Revelation

So this week was the three month mark of J being on testosterone.

So many changes. Not all of them physical.

An amazing thing however is that I have also become more aware of the possibility  of the cause of the angst and stress. I have said before that separating what was what has made this journey oh so much more difficult. And now, with a name to this thing, there is for me such a relief. SUCH a relief!!

It hasnt changed anything between us, and I am still hoping re that, but it has changed my ability to discern what is happening, and to approach the situation differently. You know what, actually there HAVE been changes between us. As my approach has changed, so have his responses.

This is still hard on me. I still miss my family. I still miss him.

I have also noticed that about a week after testosterone, he gets aggressive. Which makes EVERY interaction with him volatile. But just with me. Apparently with others he is okay? or so he assures me,

I am also not convinced that the increase in testosterone is lasting as long as the old dosage. The last lot of 100mL wore off about three weeks in, instead of a month. He is now on 125mL per fortnight and i think it is being used up quicker. He has been a bit... off? the last two weeks (or ther abouts). I cant put my finger on what it is, and he always has a response when i mention it...today it was his sugar levels, last week it was that he is tired.  But there is something else...i just dont know what it is yet. The day after i told him that something was going on (which he ofcourse denied to me) he blogged that he was feeling a bit sensitive. Curious.

It sucks for me that i notice these things before he does, but may as well not exist. Either i am ignored, argued with or a disinterested '"m'eh" then within a few days, he is announcing "his" revelation to the world. I think its because he wants and NEEDS this to be his journey. As i was told is the case early on in this whole thing. But its hard for me to so deliberately excluded from the very blog he started for me.

I noticed his facial hair...chest hair...snail trail...leg hair...feet hair...shoulder/arm/leg/hands/feet changes...voice change...moods...face change...

Another thing that has changed for me in the last few months as an effect of this is my relationship with his family. I have gone from being family to having strained relationships with those who dont know about Js coming out...and because i cant say anything, he is free to say and imply anything he wants about me. Which he is making very good use of. It has in the past made me feel powerless and voiceless and not in control of my situation.

However, since my letting go and stepping back (though not stepping away), i am better able to take control of ME. And since this revelation last week, i am more empowered.


It must be sort of how J has felt through his life. Knowing something isnt right, but not sure what...but now there is a name for it, there is freedom. Almost a "how did i not see this before? all the signs were there, but i didnt know how to interpret them"


I am more free to love now than ever. And i am going to keep doing that. It has changed shape. Is stronger more effectual and is not hurt as easily by Js inability to express himself the way i would like him to or have needed him to.


As i grow stronger, so does my love. As i grow more aware of myself and my needs, so does the WAY i need to love. As my willingness to grow increases, so does my knowledge of WHY i need to love this way.


Of all the revelations re J that i have had,  this one is the biggest and the most lifechanging for ME.


I know it sounds a little cryptic, but thats how it has to be right now. That part isnt my story to tell, not on this page anyway.


I am grateful for this revelation. Empowered. Strengthened. And grateful







 

I miss him today.

It is one month to Christmas.

Last night we were talking about and making plans for Christmas. Together in the morning for the kids, then he takes them with his family, and i take them for mine.

His first Christmas out. His first Christmas on T. His first Christmas more him. His first Christmas without me by his side.

This makes me sad.

I love family. And family things. And BOY do i love Christmas!!!

This year, I will be without him and his family. I will be without my children for a portion of the day. And its not okay with me.

I have to, for my childrens sake, make this as great as possible. I dont want to fake this, but the thought of being genuinely excited about it is hard to fathom right now also.

I miss him and our pre-Christmas stuff.

Family

Communication.

Sigh.

I was thinking about it today. Why do J and I have so much trouble? Despite the love that exists, it is still harder than it should be because of communication!!

I don't understand the way his family communicates. It is SO very foreign to me.

My family are the kind to sit down and hash it all out. We don't have to agree, but it's important that we all have a chance to say our piece and hear the ohers point of view. It's not to convince the other that one is right. It's because there is less room for misunderstanding when we are able to speak our truth. Issues are cleared up quickly. There are vast differences in some things we think and believe, but we know that under it all is love that is unconditional.
I have never, for one second in my entire life, doubted my parents love for me. Ever.
But wow have we argued.
It is important for my family that we get off our chest what is hurting or frustrating us etc. It gets it out, misunderstandings are cleared up, or we agree to disagree and we move on.

We always know honestly what the others think, we are not offended by their disagreeing with us, and we honestly enjoy each other. If someone thinks I am wrong, it us not the end of the conversation, let alone a breach in the relationship.

You are allowed to think I have made a wrong choice or are wrong in my thinking without it traumatizing or angering me. I am willing to hear that I may be wrong. That my decision may have inadvertently hurt you. That my intended message didn't get across.

Now please understand I am not saying my family's way is better... it has flaws. I am not saying Js family's way is worse. We could learn something from them (in Fact this week I have). I am just saying that it is foreign to me. Just as mine must be foreign to J

Failing to communicate is not failure as a person. But it really makes things harder!

I don't know how to communicate in a relationship where someone just DOESN'T talk. I don't understand the dynamics of it all. The withdrawal and silence. The retreat to internally sort it all out when something comes up.

J and I tried on our own. He tried to talk and I tried to listen. But we couldn't always connect because when it was important, we reverted to our inbuilt systems.

We should have gone and got professional guidance. We tried!! But we just couldn't recognize that we needed assistance. It may also have been that we didn't want to look like the relationship we had to fight for so long, needed help. Stupid in hindsight.

So much pain is caused by miscommunication.

And this situation makes it a billion times amplified!!! With such massive changes, he retreats more and I try to pull him out more. I want to talk he doesn't want to hear.

For anyone who is in my position, please do all you can BEFORE it starts, to get the skills necessary.

Identify the areas of communication that need strengthening and do it NOW!!

I am currently doing this. Have been for several months now. It's a slow process. But it is working.

It may, for a while, be a one way street. It may be you alone that does this. But it is worth it.

If he chooses to not do it, or in my case, he may choose to not come back to me, but at least for your own sake, you will have grown as a person.

Our love was never the issue. Getting across our needs and wants was harder. especially when hurt.

It's not too late though. It's never too late to grow and learn and forgive each other for falling short. It's not too late to say "I know you tried, and I really did try" and still know that more work is needed. And it's okay to accept that I don't have all the answers, and someone else may be able to help.

I believe, it is never too late. Do you hear that!!?

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!

No words...

His blog today... he is becoming aware.

And for me... the effect of this...is to fill me with excitement for him...for love and pride that he has moved to the next phase...and honestly, hope for me.

His journey is not about me. But it has effected me. Some good, some bad.

I dont know what to say...

another milestone...

Each tradition that you create together as a couple, is so painful to experience alone.

We have had a tradition for the last 8 years or so, that when a Harry Potter movie comes out, we go together, in Gold Class to watch it the day it comes out. This year, it didnt look like it was going to happen.

This morning, at 1201am, I took my son and J and we watched it in Gold Class.  As it was only a week ago that his ticket was added to ours, we couldnt sit together. And this time of our usual pre-movie routine was absent.

And i sat in this movie theatre, and i was loving the movie. But the experience was tarnished. All of the memories of previous years experiences came flooding back. And the fact that he was in the room, but separate from us, did not escape me. I had a great time. But it wasnt THE time.

Like everything for the past several months. Things with him are same same, but different. Even the good, exciting, stuff.

And, despite the odds, I was reminded of my love for him. And fell in love with him a little more again.

And after the movie i dropped him and my son back to J's parents (its my sons time with him), and I drove away. No after movie debriefing...his tiredness the focus of conversation. Although we had experienced this tradition together, i was experiencing it alone (with the exception of my glorious son).

I have lived through another milestone. And I am same same, but different.

I talk too much...

...that is all

Here came the bride

I have just come back from an incredibly beautiful wedding. My cousin and his lovely bride were married on the beach in a ceremony that was just moving. And the reception that followed was extraordinarily personal. But sheesh it was hard. It was the first wedding I had been to since my relationship break up. And the first I had been to since my own. They played a song we had on our invitations (our invites were a CD of "our" songs) and their vows similar (though that's hardly a surprise)

The pain I felt standing there was just... breathtaking. I had stood where Adam stood today, with love in my eyes, and in Js eyes. And I believed the words and I believed we would be until we died. J used to try to make me swear he would go first because there was no way he could live without me.

I thought we were going to make it.

But our wedding was the catalyst for his realization that he was transgender. When I think of the happiest most hope filled day of my life it has been tarnished with the present. It is tarnished with the fact that day was to bring about the demise of my most precious thing.

My heart hurts.

When we got the invite to this wedding I was so looking forward to arriving arm in arm with J. He would be able to come as 'himself' because Adam wouldn't care. And we could publicly at a family function, be together. I wanted to dance with my husband and look gorgeous with my husband and be in love there with my husband.

But I was there alone. With our vows echoing in my head and my love imploding in my chest and my reality clanging in my ears.

J would have LOVED this wedding, the food, the location, the feel... everything. And I knew that with every moment. And felt it with every moment.

I meant every word of my vows. I don't understand why, if he meant his, he could do what he is doing right now.

Yet there is a part of me that understands. It's why I had to let go.

The silver lining is that I have faced and overcome wedding number 1 is done. I have survived it, hurting though I am. Doubting though I am

Here came the bride... Then she went and became the groom and tossed my dreams and my present and the importance and beauty and sanctity and treasure of my 'day'

I am glad that Adam won't have to experience. I wish that I didn't have to either.

To J...

I would NEVER out you.

I am frustrated and hurt that you have taken what was said to you and once again twisted it and made it something that it wasnt.

I know that you are concerned about your parents response. I know that you need to be safe when that happens. And i would NEVER do it. If i wanted to, do you not think that i would have?

My telling you that i feel like publicising my blog was, as i said to you over and over, to tell you how i am feeling. It was not a threat. I told you that over and over and over again.

Once again you shut me out. You restrict my voice. You twist my words. You dont see truth.

I am hurt by your public and constant belittling, twisting and negative words and actions towards me whilst you have been oh so happy to accept my help and support in private. I am upset that behind the scenes you say you love me and miss me, yet publicly all is said is i "harrass" you etc.

And sometimes there is a part of me that wants to defend myself to this same world. Sometimes there is a part of me that wants to be free of this cage you have put me in because i cant be free to be me. And sometimes i want you to know how much your actions and words affect me.

But i would NEVER out you. Ever.

And you know this. In your heart, you know this. if you were to stop even for a second, you know this. It is not my character or my nature.

I have stepped back from you, I havent turned against you.

And I wont turn against you. Not ever. And i think you know this. I hope that you know this. There is no reason why you shouldnt know this.

I love you. More than anything in this world I love you. And the pain that this brings is unbearable sometimes.

I understand that you must be nervous right now. I get it. But please stop taking this out on me. Please stop doing this.

Lies. Again the lies

So today i received an email from J's parents. Disgusting. the lies that J had told, the accusations, and the attitude of his father...i am still is shock.

I sent J a text message saying:
"After the email i just got I am so tempted to publicise my blog right now and send the link to your family. I am not going to because i really am trying to be and so the right thing here." I also then said that i never would do it but i want him to know that i feel like it because it will provide some sort of balance and truth.

He has written on his blog, taking out of context once again that i have threatened to out him.

Why are the lies necessary?

They are going to catch him up.

But this time i am not there. I am worried for him.

But i have let go.

"I dont know whats going on...but thats not J_______"

A friend who doesnt know of the transitioning, who hasnt seen J for a while, said this to me the other day.

And it hurt me.

Normally when it is said to me, i let people say it, (or if they are close to me i will agree). I dont encourage or discourage people to say anything to him. Their own holding back is their own.

But for the first time i asked them to be really really thoughtful about sharing that. In my head i was screaming "please dont tell him that!!!". It was really strange.

I have WANTED others to tell him because it was backup what i was saying and hopefully open his eyes. But i  think that this would be too much.

I wonder why i responded so dramatically on the inside? Perhaps because i know how much this person means? Perhaps because we were in the middle of a good stretch and i didnt want to cop the responsibility for someone saying it to him? perhaps because i knew it would open a can of worms and their relationship may change? I dont know why.

But it is interesting indeed.

Empty Hands

So, I have let go.

The hardest decision of my life.

I had come to the realisation, at an increasing pace, that my efforts were in vain. Well, thats a bit dramatic really. When i say efforts i mean support. And when i say in vain, that really depends on what i am measuring it against. In its purest most basest form, this is what it means:

- i was hoping that by my continuing to support and love through it all, as things started to normalise, things would get better with us.

And things were generally getting better with us. We havent really had a a fight for a while (excluding these last couple of days). I have been needed. And i have been there. 
We had to finally remove our stuff from the home we had shared as a family for the last couple of years. And that was hard. (Especially for me as i was the one who did all of the packing and the organising and the moving). But it brought US closer throught the shared sadness.
He injured himself and my daughter was sick, so at his request i came and stayed. And took care of them. It was family time
We had to go to court about a matter. And that brought us closer

Unfortunately, when i was no longer needed, the wall went back up again, and "family" time ended.

- i was hoping that time would show that a lot of the things going on are an entanglement

He has acknowledged that decisions he had made regarding us were based on being reactive to other peoples actions, and he took them out on me. He had assumed my involvment. But now knows it not to be the case.
He has acknowledged that I have been falsely accused of things etc etc.
He has started to slowly acknowledge that a whole lot of crap has been going on in life that can and do have effect.
 Awesome. Its a start

- i was hoping that our love would win out

It seemed to me to be happening. Things that were said and done pointed to it.
Perhaps it was wishfulthinking? Perhaps he just knew what i wanted to hear. perhaps it was hormonal?

- I was hoping that even though he CANT take things in right now, even though he CANT focus on more than what he is tunnel visioning on (though he really does try), that i would be the exception.

That was naive of me. He is not able to see the support. But i was wanting him to. I was expecting more of him than he is able to give right now.


A friend said to me the other day that it is like a teenage boy. Their mum still does everything for them. Anything that needs doing, mum is all over it. They cant drive, their washing, food etc is all prepared for them...in public, they are fun and loving, the life of the party, but at home...whooska! Attitude central. Mum gets no thanks or acknowledgement. Mum gets the "You dont understand" or the rolled eyes. The whole "mum is such a cow/bitch...she never lets me do anything...is always on my case..." etc etc Mates will never know just how much Mum does. And it takes years before the acknowledgement is made. They cant actually see all of the time and effort mum puts into making life as easy and nurturing and positive as possible.

I have been mum. The silent support in the background. Emotionally, financially, physically, physchologically...in every way. But publicly I dont exist. There may be an anonymous mention rarely. Or I am still the main target of venting.

But to rely on mum is to be a "wuss". A "pussy". A "weakling". Not a "man".

I can not be mum anymore.

I was willing to be because i was hoping that it would lead to not being so maligned. That i would show with patience and love (and sometimes arguments - yeah, that was ALWAYS a bad idea!!! he neither has the desire or ability to take in words, especially cause i use so many!!!)That with time and perseverence on my part, truth would win out. And acknowledgment would come.

And acknowledgement came. To me alone.

No public clearing of my name. In the forums where i was falsely accused, i have not been vindicated. To the people who heard of the things i had done, now it is known not to be true, my name is not cleared. The decisions are not being unmade, though they were not based on fact.

Yet privately...

I am a secret. A dirty little secret.

And that, I will not be.

And so, with a very sad heart. I have let go. And i have backed away. I dont want to. I still want to be the support.


But I have had to make a choice for me. All of my thoughts and choices have been for him. And it doesnt help either him or me.

Selfishly i am afraid that without me he will fall. He wont. He is strong. And capable and amazing. But he is not any of those things towards me.

Just because the teenager doesnt see or appreciate the support doesnt mean he doesnt need it. But there comes a time when a teenager says "I dont need you" or "i hate you" or "you dont get it" enough that you have to let them grow. You have to let them face the consequences of their own decisions.

J doesnt need a "mum" in me. He doesnt want it. He is determined to do this on his own, and that is all well and proper and fair. Now though, he will HAVE to do it on his own. And that means something different than he has previously been experiencing.

This is so very very sad. Letting him go means that i have had to realise and acknowledge to myself that...well, so many things.

I dont know what this is going to look like. Every small step, or every moment keeping standing my ground hurts my heart. NOT giving to him is anti everything I am. This is trial and error my friends.

I will keep loving. But how i do that has to change. I am not writing him off. I am not going to make his life difficult. But i have let go. For the sake of my own self. And for the sake of my children.

me

So...how does this affect me? - FEELINGS VERSION

I feel rejected.

As Js sexuality changes or is under review, it means that i am no longer the love of his life. It means that i am no longer safe in his arms. It is no longer my body and intimacy he seeks. He has thrown open the doors and all are welcome. Except me. As he has let me go, i have found myself alone.

And i feel rejected. And i feel betrayed.

I no longer trust the word love except when i am feeling it. Even then i am questioning it. As i am more and more accepting (that is not the correct word here) of this, it becomes more and more apparent that i am not loved in return.

I feel stupid. Because i believed in the love that i was in. That i was receiving. That he meant what he said when he said it. Because my love was enough to carry us through his. But his was not. I feel ridiculed and belittled. Because when i speak of my love, he thinks i am crazy.

I feel alone. And lonely.

I went to Gender Queer Collective meeting the other day. Amazing amazing people. And i didnt fit. I hardly look non-heteronormative. I am a bit of a dag. And i am female. Female bodied and female brained. I am me.

They are these cool trans people. And as i walked into the room i could sense the discomfort that i create. I dont fit into their world.

I feel ostracised because i do not have gender dysphoria. Not on purpose, but because they look at me and assume i wont get it. They look at me and assume I dont get it.

I just want to love. Those who are hurting. Those who need loving.

And I have realised that with J, i gave all my love to him, because i thought he would do the loving TO me that i would need. I believe that you have to love yourself. And i do love me. But i actioned it outward. Because i believed that Jay would action his love towards me. He did. I believed he would KEEP doing it. And when he withdrew it, all of my love and all of his love was going towards him.

I feel alone. So so alone.

I do not trust the words i love you anymore. I used to believe in forever love.

I feel inadequate. I am not worth loving. Not worth fighting for. Not worth sticking around for.

These feelings are pretty new to me. Some i have felt before, but not for a VERY long time, and never all at once, and never for an extended period of time, and never something i havent been able to shake off. They have been situational emotions and feelings. Created by an incident. A small bruising.

I am wounded.

And this is taking so long to heal that i actually dont know if it ever will. I actually dont know how i can keep going with this. It is burdensome and aching deeper than i have ever felt.

It has changed everything.

And he doesnt get it. So, i feel like i dont matter. The one whose world i was has no need for me or my love or my thoughts or my opinions. No need for them and no desire for them. If i am not building him up, if i am not trans, then i am no longer of importance.

This is how i feel.

Rewind. Start again. Apology included

It has come to my attention that my blog is less than a disclosure of the effect of things on me and more of a commentary on J.

You know what? It's true. And that is actually not okay.

I know that some things I have written have upset him, just as some things he has written have upset me. And some of those things are due to it being the other persons perspective, or omitted information etc. The nature of human relationships Im afraid.

So to start, I am going to offer J an apology right now, here on my blog, publicly, for the fact that this has become a commentary on him. J, it is not okay and I am sorry.

So I guess to begin the new direction i should acknowledge the fact that this journey has effected my ability to see how I am affected. I am so focused on him that I have trouble seeing me. Wow...

I am so afraid to let go of him that I have made his journey my journey. Just as he is so focussed on him he can't see anything, so I am so focussed on him I can't see anything.

Everything is so entangled I don't know where or how to start.

And he and I have such differing views on what is caused by what.

He separates what should be linked and I link what should be separate. But as communication isn't his strong suit, it's hard to find middle ground.

This blog is about to get scary for me.

Js blog is about the physical. The outer changes. The sometimes psychological changes, but rarely.

Mine is about the psychological and emotional effect on someone else. It is personal. Harder to make jokes or to distance one self.

It was supposed to be a supplement to his journey, how we did it together. It can't be. And now I am finding a new niche for it. And a new place for me to fit.

Because of his journey,I don't know where I fit anymore. I always used to fit with him.

Clarification

In my last post i wrote that it will hurt him for him to hear of the changes. That people think he wont be able to hear them. I want to clarify something here...

It will hurt him because he can not yet see the changes, and doesnt want them to be there. It will hurt him because he is trying so hard to do this without causing discomfort. He is trying really hard to do this without causing pain for others. He is trying SO DAMN HARD.

Unfortunately, it does cause discomfort and it does cause pain and it does cause changes.

He is not ready because he just cant see anything outside of his own perspective right now. Not because he is a bad person, but as part of this journey, he cant. He just cant.

And the truth is, i still dont know how many of these changes are due to transition and how many due to stress and trauma. But they are linked now. Blended into one.

HE IS NOT A BAD PERSON. But like all people, he only has one persepective. Just as i only have mine.

Perhaps mine is also a little skewed because i am so close to it all. But this is how it affects me.

no change

For some bizarre reason, he thinks that he hasnt changed? He is exactly the same, just with physical changes...

I wish that all of the people who keep telling me how he has changed would pass that message on to him. I understand why they dont though. Some people have said the timing isnt right yet and he wont hear anyway. Some have said they dont want me to cop the flack.

I dont care about copping the flack anymore.

But i do care that hearing it will hurt him...and i dont want THAT to happen.

He can tell himself all he likes that he is the same person, but that person has gone. There are glimpses of that person. Beautiful glimpses.But they fleetingly leave when the new J takes hold.

Hopefully its just adjustment to this process.

Otherwise he is fooling himself big time, and i KNOW that that is not something he would be comfortable with. Well, the old person wouldnt anyway.

Loss

One of the effects on me of this transition is that I lost my family.

He is the sort of person who, when he wants to try something, is really proud and needs to do it himself. Kind of reminiscent of a toddler "i do it".

So, amongst everything else, I lost him. I went from a full time family, to 3/4 of a family half of the time as we share time with the kids.

And i am having a LOT of trouble with this. Not putting them to bed every night rips at my heart. I make sure to see them everday day, even if its just for 20 minutes, and i make sure to talk to them everyday, even if its just for five minutes, but when i walk away there is a pain so great that sometimes i cant breathe. I actually dont know how my feet are physically carrying me.

His choices...to transition...to do it all himself...to cut me out...to cut everyone out...are fine for him. But they have caused me pain i cant express.

And i dont know how to deal with it.

Its not okay with me that i dont get to spend time with my children. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their meals and their night times. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their mornings or when my son comes home from school. Its not okay with me that i dont come home to my house and family. It is not okay with me.

But like with everything else in this journey, i have no say. I chose to be supportive. Thats the only choice i got to make.

His self empowerment has taken from me and my children. His self empowerment has disempowered me. Has taken away my choices. Has taken away my family. Has taken away some of my joy.

But as long as his journey is being honoured, thats what matters right?

No.

But i dont know how to take back control.

I have given it to him for so long that when i try and take it back it unleashes something in him and in me. When i stand and fight for me, he stands ever more resolute. And he is better at it. More practised at it. More determined and more stubborn.

I want my family back. But he took it away from me.

And it is NOT okay with me

i wonder..

i wonder if he will ever move past his gender.

he was always so much more than gender or sexuality. so much more than just any one thing. he was friend and lover and artist and social worker, musician and parent and strong. he was wanna be traveller, wanna be tattooist, wanna be...so so so many things.

he has the residue of some of those things on his skin but it is only viewed through the lens of gender.

he is NOT his gender. he used to be more.

everything he does and thinks and says is related to this. he is transcentric. all part of the journey. i know this. i understand this.

but does it ever change?

will his gender now be THE most important thing til the end of his days here on earth? will he be self-defined by gender before or on top of everything else that comprises his being? or is this now all that will ever matter?

he used to be more.

i hope that his journey is gentle. and that one day, he will remember that he IS more.

Me Stuff

My blog is supposed to be about the effect of the transition of J, my now ex, on me as a partner.

There have been so many things entangled in this process that it has been nigh impossible to know what is what.

And I realized last night that I keep talking about the effect of this on HIM. And I think it's about time I evaluate, separate from him if that is possible, the effect on me. And find something positive in this for me.

What has it affected?
* my gender? Nope. Still a gal. I am not particularly "Ladylike" or "femme" but neither am I a tomboy. I am a gal.
* my sexuality? Nope. If I have to have a label it would be pansexual. That means the persons gender or sex isn't actually even a factor. I am not straight neither am I a lesbian.
* my thinking? In that my eyes have been opened to a world I hadn't really entered before, yes. I have the same outlook on people, the circle has just been widened as more people are introduced to it.
* my feeling? I have experienced so much internal growth this year, painful soul searching times, that I don't know whether this in itself has affected how I feel. Except that Js coming out made me love him more.
I also made a final decision to not let how others may respond, effect me negatively.
* my wanting? Pre this, I would never have considered being with a Trans guy. Still don't think that MTF are on my personal radar. But excepting drag kings (oh my Lord they are hot!!) I had
not considered FTM.
Its not that I want FTM now, just that my wanting for the person I was with has not changed, though that in itself may indicate that my 'wanting' has changed

The effect of this transition on me personally (separate from the heartache) is that I am less inclined to have the thought and opinions of others hold away with me. I am more prepared to be who I am. I am less inclined to let people treat me badly because they can't deal with their own journey with gentleness. Though this was happening anyway because of my own personal experiences of this year.

I have tried to make his journey mine, because I didn't want to get left behind. I did anyway. The lesson here I guess is that this is also my journey. But my journey is different. I had been waiting for things to effect him, and then responded or reacted to that. That is not healthy.

I am a person of importance in this too.

If you are a partner of someone who is transitioning, or a support or loved one, you are important too. Their journey is self indulgent. But YOU don't have to be indulgent.

Finding the balance between what you will let slide or forgive and what you will stand firm for or against is rarely easy anyway. In this case the difficulty lies in that you have very little warning of what may happen in the next few hours let alone days or weeks or months. And no way to know how they will be effected or the flow on from that to you.

Be kind to yourself. They may not be able to be kind to or for you.

And let yourself be on this journey. Your OWN journey.

You are worth it. I bloody well know I am!

status

The status update i want to write right now:

Transmen suck!!

confusion

I must sound crazy...but responses etc in my previous blogs but:

- I love him. That i can not and will not deny
- I am proud of his courage
- I am hurting because our relationship is done and it doesnt make sense to me
- The WAY he is dealing with the transition in many ways is NOT okay. this does not mean everything is being dealt with poorly.
- The effect of it on ME is what I am exploring here. And a lot of that depends on what is happening at the time.
- I am hopeful of our relationship returning

Sidebar - he looks kinda hot with facial hair. And his body changes are really cool.

All of them ;)

Thank you

To my family who have been incredibly supportive
To my friends who have been loving
To my children who have been my rock
To God, for making true the statement that "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me". Though i dont fully trust You yet, thank you for the ways you are making yourself known
to my boss for being incredibly understanding
To myself for being stronger than i thought, and for being honest in my attempts to deal with this
To J for the past, and for the moments in the present that are undeniable. For sharing your journey with me even now
To new acquaintances who are bolstering me just by sharing their story

The Children

I have amazing children. WE have amazing children.

My daughter has been making little comments regarding J, asking at the dinner table with Js parents when he is getting his boobs cut off. Telling her grandmother that Mamou (J) is growing a beard. Telling someone off for calling J a girl.

But she is confused. Mostly she is okay. Then she comes out with statements like "Mamou isnt my mum anymore" And when i say no, Mamou is your dad, she says angrily "No. I have no dad. I have two mums, but mamou isnt my mum anymore". She has had nightmares about drs cutting off her body parts and pulling out her bones, in response to knowing that Js boobs will be cut off. She has dreams about J dying. And she is sad we are not together.

My son is trying to overcompensate. He is a sensitive soul. A beautiful gentle amazing incredible soul. And he is aching. And he is angry. And he is confused. He has been okay with the transition. I think he is happy that there is another guy around the place. But when he heard about the boob removal he FREAKED OUT!!! And he is sad we are not together.

My son has been seeing a counselor. And will continue to do so.
We have great friends who have said he can talk at any time. And i love that. But he is not, never has been, a talker or sharer. You have to push him and push him til he snaps to find out what is going on. I was like that as a kid. So i get it.

They are hurting and confused, not just because of the break up but because of the effect of his actions on them. Because he can not see past the end of his "nose" right now, he can not see the effect of his actions and words (or lack of them).

But I do believe that things are changing. And i know that they will be SO proud as they grow that their Mamou is so brave, and loves THEM enough to be true to himself. We have always encouraged our children to be true to them. We allow them their differences. to each other and to us.

They will be proud. And they will grow up stronger because of not only the example of courage, but the love they are surrounded with. In the interim, I shield them as much as possible from the negative effects. The effect on them NEVER dismissed, but gently and lovingly heard and acknowledged.

How do you keep a broken heart from the most perceptinve creatures you could come across? You dont. But you show them how to love THROUGH it.

Our children are the lights of our lives.

I love our family.

Baby steps

So i havent written for a while. I have had a great deal on and have had very little opportunity.

I have also had so many internal conflicts about everything.

There seems to have been a shift.
- For a great deal of time now J has been accusing me of saying or doing things I have not done. And punishing me for things I have had no part of. I have no recourse, as he will not hear my protests of innocence. I dont know if this is breakup or transition. Probably both from what i know of Ja and what i know of each of those things. The last couple of days has seen to be more of a willingness on his part to actually see what is happening. Whilst he rarely admits it out loud, even to me or himself let alone anyone else, it does appear that he is not seeing me as the enemy as much anymore. It is aptly put in the sentence he wrote me "I am open to you, not to us". He has not, until recently, been open to me.

- i am more able to take a step back and separate his actions and decisions from us. I am able to let go of the effect more easily. Not always. As i have previously said, words are not his greatest thing, and he doesnt always understand the effect his words have. And doesnt actually really care about it either. Thats not a transition thing, thats a J thing. But there are lots of times, where instead of confronting him or sharing with him, i keep it to myself or write it down.

- the last few days, have (had) been really good with us. Dealing with combined issues reminds me (and him hopefully) of the awesome team that we are

- I have found a few people who are Partners of FTM. One person was actually with someone, they broke up (due to the person cheating though, not because of anything else) and is now really happy with someone else. Having other people I can semi relate to, though we havent had huge discussion yet, is such a relief!

- he has acknowledged on his blog that I have been supportive. Hooray!! Positive affirmation!! That all of the things he now talks about wanting to do with his life are not because I held him back previously (as it can sometimes sound like he is saying). I actively encouraged and supported his existence. Every part of it. i am the one who encouraged him to explore every part and aspect of himself. I am the one who was ALWAYS trying to get him to further adventure. My only stipulation EVER was that no sex with anyone else, unless i was there. And that was NEVER his bag

- He is beginning to see that he HAS been affected by things. By the stress and drama of our existence before hand. This is a plus because it means i am not having to shoulder the responsibility for it all. And it means that he is becoming more aware of how he is affected. he is not entirely aware yet, but he will be


The effect of this transition on me is deep. It undermines my view of myself. When he talks about how he is into guys right now, it contradicts the things he said to me when we were together.
When he says that he might want to be an in open relationship if he ever has one, it contradicts the things he said to me.


I know that he throws himself completely into things. It is something I love about him deeply. But he doesnt have open eyes. Its what one of his sisters was saying she was worried about. He thinks he does. But he is blinkered and one eyed. From what i know, he cant help that right now. His eyes are opening but they are not open yet. They can only see what he is focussed on. Himself and his journey.


He has approached the medical and physical side of this with extreme wisdom (except i think that he should have had counselling sessions regarding the other stuff in his life first - but that is the counselors lack, not his). This is also a J way. And i am deeply impressed with this.

i still think that he is brave. And he is amazing. I think that his ability to be dealing with this on the back of everything else, while still parenting, and living with his parents who are unaware so he cant be fully out, is incredible.

I think that he is making decisions that he will regret. But we all do that. I think that he is
exploring unknown territory and needs the space to do it.

He is wanting me to not be affected by all of this. To just silently agree to it all. To be the best friend. To be informed but not discuss with. Thats not how it works. But he needs space to discover who he is.

And i need to find out who i am. These last two years have been incredibly intense, incredibly tough incredibly draining. I honestly dont know how i am still standing!!

In all of this, i have lost my nana (who was my favourite person!!), my church, my faith, my God, my home, my friends, and now my love. He too lost all of this plus his job he loved PLUS he is transitioning.

(I am still stunned that less than a year after we married, my wife is now my possibly gay husband!!!)

And yet, i love him still. I see HIM. And it is good. He is confused and exploring right now, but it is GOOD. He is good.

This is why, although i have been told by many people i should, i have not walked away
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

And just as things are starting to come to light and the truth regarding assumptions is coming to light, I will be found true.

I still believe that when all is said and done. He will find me waiting. After he has found himself, he will have found himself come full circle. Stronger and more himself than ever before.

And i will be found loving.

On my last post, someone put a link to another blog.

I have only read a little bit. But it has made me sad. They are still together. And they are having a much better time of it than me.

And i am jealous and hurting.

i sit here, tears streaming down my face as i wonder at how unfair all of this is.

I want to matter. And right now, I dont.

And the first person i am able to make contact with, is not having the same journey as me. And i think i might hate them a little bit

T2

In two days he gets his second lot of testosterone. I am really apprehensive about what that is going to mean.

His aggression has lessened the last week...but he has an underlying nervousness the last couple of days, that still means he has a bit of a bite. I dont know if it has to do with upcoming T or other non-transition stuff. He is more like the J I knew...

I am scared about how this next dose is going to affect him, and therefore how it is going to affect me. I bear the brunt. Sometimes because, quite frankly, I forget what is happening with him, and with us, and want to be able to relate to him the way I did before. Sometimes because i am the only one there. Sometimes just because.

So, fear acknowledged...exhaled...and now to strengthen myself a little...

Summer

So right this moment J has taken our daughter swimming. J LOVES the water, but hates getting ready to go into the water. Always body issues, now we know why.

It makes me think. I wonder, now that it is getting warmer here, whether he is wishing he could take off his shirt and sunbathe, or swim. Whether he is craving the feeling of the sun or the water on his skin, in the body he will one day have?

I wonder if things like this bring up for him the amazing journey he is on, and how it may not be as he wants now, but it will one day be!! Whether this brings up dysphoria even more, or a happy contentedness that this wont be forever?? He wont have to swim in a bubble forever!

This journey brings up SO many questions for me! Perhaps i shall ask him.

I will let you know if he responds...

J - FOR YOU!

Vague!

So one of the recent and more pressing effects of Testosterone on J is poor memory retention.

J wasnt always known for being great at passing on of messages, at remembering to share stuff...pretty typical male actually.

But of late it is just...AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Private jokes are not funny cause he doesnt remember where they came from. Everything has to be explained and re-explained. Decisions need to be prompted. Half messages are given. Or quarter messages. Or no messages.

It really is like with my 13 yr old son!! reminding the same things EV-VE-RY-day. The things he knows. But needs to be retold.

J has hit puberty. sigh.

Maybe this time when he comes out of it, he will be permanently better at this part of communication. yes??? please yes??

Pre Blog thoughts

May 2010

"I hate that I cant share this with the world

I hate that I have been in the closet for so long regarding my life for the past few months

It feels like a secret relationship and it makes me feel cheap.

I want to tell the world how much i love my J!!!"

Sept 10 2010 Blog update

I wrote a blog Sept 10 about people breaking up with their partners etc.

I have found some information today, that doesnt confirm the excuses or reasons that people give, but does confirm that staying together is hard. It is not impossible, but it is difficult.

In my case, I wish that J had gone and dealt with everything else before starting transitioning. But he didnt. And so it is all in the mix now.

But, the interesting thing i read today was this:

"There is an important thing to realize once transition begins and hormones are prescribed. Your partner is now a thirteen year old about to go through a second puberty. Teenagers not only go through physical changes but social and mental ones as well. A sense of self is just starting to develop perhaps for the first time in their lives. At this time it is important for them to create their own self-esteem. Those who don't work on this will not get very far. Think back to when you were a teen and you will have an idea what is going on in your partners head. They do have the added advantage of their accumultated life experiences though but as the opposite gender. Compared to tenagers though they will have a very short puberty period lasting up to two years. At the end of this time if they've been successful they will for the first time have a developed sense of self. It is only now that they will know what they really want and their orientation will be safely set. After SAS Sex Affirrnation Surgery they are complete and truely themselves. This is the closest thing to a cure they are going to get.

During this time your feelings are important, not just your partners. You need support too. Things though are not going to be the same. Obviously the relationship is going to change, it has to for physical reasons at the very least. Your partner may tell you they won't change. No one can go through this process and be the same person. They will likley become a better person, not worse. Yet they are not the gender you thought you married.

If you see this as a "Lesbian relationship" and have a problem with this that is very normal. Your partner needs to know that this is not trivial. If this is how you feel your marriage will not likely survive. You are not alone as just a handful will stay married. Most become friendships but not all of them. The biggest fear someone with HBS has is that they will be alone without support. If you can be supportive it would mean the world to them. If you cannot try to part on good tems.

The marriages that do survive are usually older couples not younger ones. The reasons may be economic, convienence familiarity and love. Those who make it do so by looking not at the gender their partner is but the person they are in love with. That is a rare gift. Few people can do this."

http://www.lauras-playground.com

Its good to know that this is not just me.

Small comfort really.

Dysphoria

As partners of transgendered people things are not quite "usual" for us. But its not just the transitioning. Its the time before hand.

Part of the reason J's coming out was so easy for me, was because it all made sense. Having been together for ten years, i got to see first hand, up close, the effects of his situation on him. I also got to experience the effects ON me. Every doubt and wuestion and confusion he experience, every betrayal of his body or his mind. Every disappointment...I felt it. Because i love him, and because I was right there. Sometimes through transferrence and sometimes through withdrawal.

One thing that is hard for me at the moment is to reconcile to myself the fact that I am not to blame for what is happening with J.

J has Gender Dysphoria. It is a condition.
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADFA_enAU383AU383&defl=en&q=define:Gender+dysphoria&sa=X&ei=EiSgTKzNOMW3cOCd8foJ&ved=0CBcQkAE

J is Transgender. It is NOT a condition.
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADFA_enAU383AU383&q=define%3ATransgender&meta=

His journey is NOT about me (as a partner or friend, how many times have we heard this already??!!!) This is NOT about me.

It has however, affected  me. My self esteem. My selfview. My self respect.

It must be really really hard for someone going through what he is going through. I have lived with it and seen it for ten years. I have seen and heard the anguish. I have seen and heard and felt and experienced the effects, physical, emotional, pshychological. And it is hard to not be able to do anything to help them

As they themselves have a feeling of no control, there is a helpless feeling for those that love someone with this condition. I couldnt fix it. No matter what i did. I couldnt make it better. I wasnt enough.

No matter how big my love, i couldnt take it away. We worked hard at working around things. At being sensitive to each other where intimacy was concerned.

He tried to tell me that I am and was enough, but just as his body betrayed him, it also betrayed me.

I feel ripped off that now, at the time where things will align for him, they will not align for me.

But I am glad for him, that after all these years, he may find some consolation and peace. I am glad for him, that he has found the things that has been eating away at him, that he has been trying to define and overcome. I am glad for him that the alignment has begun.

As each day passes and he (hopefully) becomes more and more as he would like to be, I hope that the psychological effects also lessen. On him, and on me.

I cant take T and make it all go away.

I hope that he will be able to look back and appreciate just how very loved he was. That even though HE felt incomplete, he was still loved completely.

I hope that this experience wont keep defining me.

This journey is not about me. But it has affected me deeply.

Pre Blog Thoughts

August 23 2010.


"Today J had a blow. We have been having a lovely morning, gone to get his blood test re T.
Then the message came. 

I have been personally amazed at how many people so far have been welcoming and accepting to J. His coming out has been a catalyst for support. Except from the place we know it will the least likely. Family.

Those who have formulated an opinion of us based on varying moments in time, but they rarely stop to look at who we are right now.

J's sisters are doing it tough. One is caught up in fear, of how others will perceive J and themselves... Of how others will feel and think... Of losing the sister she was always close to. The other is caught up in fear of drama.

What they don't see is that all the drama is BECAUSE this happened!!!

I hope they take a breath and read the blog... It is now officially T minus 6 days!"

Pre Blog Thoughts

June 2010

"It is difficult to not be in the parts of his world that matter to him the most right now.

He has his online community and doesn't need me.

I try to remember that this is about him. But don't know how to deal with what affects me.

I miss her body.

I am looking forward to getting to know his body as it develops more.

He has disappeared into this world. And wont bring me along for the ride. I have to be proactive. Which is fine, but I have my own stuff to deal with."

Pre Blog Thoughts

This was from May 2010:

"He is so inspirational. People are commenting about how his words are helping them. Strangers are telling him how he is doing for them, what Jamison's books did for him.

I heart my J____

I cant believe he is mine! I am so proud!!"

 

Talking and stuff

I am having trouble NOT talking to him.

He has been the person that i have spoken to almost every day for the last ten years. He is the one that i share with. He is my "person". My confidante. My friend. My sounding board. And i am the one he shared with.

But he cant share this with me. For so many reasons. And i cant share how this affects me with him, because of where he is at.

And it hurts me. It pains me.

My best friend and my love, is out of reach.

According to all the info and the professionals i have spoken to and the other transguys, apparently right now, for him, he cant share. He cant hear how his journey affects other people because he will not have the capacity to take in the emotion. He just cant right now. Knowing that it affects someone else upsets and aggrevates and frustrates and depresses.

So where do i put it all? I am certainly not going to put it all here, although sometimes it is tempting. So i have been writing it down. Sometimes in letters to him that wont get sent. Sometimes as a journal. Sometimes as a prayer.

It was only the other day that i realised that i CANT go to him with this. No matter how much he says he wants me to share, and no matter how desperately i want to, it just causes pain. And makes him even more angry.
So i dont go to him.

But what do i do with this hurt?

The arms that comforted me are changing. Physically as well as every other way! And they are not available for me right now.

I have hope...but i wonder sometimes whether all of this pain i am going through is worth it. He is worth the wait yes, but at what cost to me?

His journey has affected me more deeply than i thought it would, and more deeply than i want to admit. Not just from his withdrawal from me, or the not saying goodbye, or the moods, or the anger, or the depression he isnt admitting... but i cant share this. I cant tell the world that I love J. I cant, on my FB page, say everyday how i love him, which is what i was able to do before. I cant put a link to this blog. I cant talk about my husband. He isnt fully out, so i am in the closet too.

And i cant tell him any of it.

And i may never get the chance.

So, what to do?

As i take a deep breath right now, I decide. I will keep writing. I will grow and develop new ways of dealing. I will keep channeling my love into my children and into myself and into him. I will keep speaking the counselor. And i will let myself feel this. Though i am afraid of how it will overwhelm me.

I will give myself permission to hurt and to grieve and be angry about this. And i will give myself permission to keep loving.

A person does not transition in a vaccuum.

That is all.

I thought...

I wrote this the other day, but thought i had lost it. Just found it in drafts.

I thought that when J started to transition and especially when he would start T, that the missing peices would fall into place for him. That the peice that would make him whole would bring the peace that would make him whole. That it would be a completion and extension of himself.


I wasn't expecting a second personality. A second persona.


I thought it would bring us closer not push us further away.


I thought that this journey would be one of celebration. It would be tough, and I didn't want to even guess how tough, but that it would be tough for HIM and I would be able to support. I thought I could help carry him and be the hero in his life, helping him to be all he was supposed to be. I didn't know it would be so tough for me. Or the children.


They have lost their mother but the father isn't here yet. And they didn't get to say goodbye, and they didnt fully understand. I thought we would be able to deal with this together, as a strong parental unit.


I thought that I would have some influence on what my children would be told how they would be told.


I thought that he would be a man of his word and all the clear headed, or so I thought, promises he made me before he started out,  he would be able to keep.


I didn't realize that I too had a lot of expectations regarding this process. That i put a lot of pressure on myself and what is expected if me as a good partner. On how I should respond. The fact is, I can't know what situations are coming, what words and emotions are going to be thrown my way. I don't know what moods or decisions J will make today or how that will affect.


My not knowing is not just because we are separated. It started before that. It is because only he knows, and actually, most of the time he doesn't even know himself.


I thought this would make it all better. I was so so wrong.

Conflictions

So tonight is Js sisters 30th bday. And for the first time since starting to transition he is going to have to dress up. All fancy like.

And it must be a little devasating.

His sisters know. And have mixed feelings.

His parents do not.

He can not dress the way he would like to, (regardless of whether a packer is even involved!!) and just be him. He cant wear the clothes HE would like to. Dress or present himself the way HE would like to. And it must be stressing him out big time. His sisters are all big dresser-upperers. J was always a bling wearer, but still not girly. Hot - yes. Funky - yes. He never liked dressing up anyway, but that is probably because dressing up would confirm the discomfort he felt at being in the wrong clothes and body.

I dont think he even has anything anymore that is passable as clothes he would be comfy in???

I wish there was something i could do.

I am sending him creative positive thoughts...he was always able to pull something incredible out of the bag at the last second anyway...

You can do it J!!! And you will be hot. One step at a time!!

Pre-Blog Thoughts

So, in the months leading up to me ACTUALLY doing this blog, i was preparing for it, psychologically and everything else.

And i had been jotting down thoughts and ideas and notes. Peppered between my new posts, i am going to share some of those things...this is one of them (please note these are unedited versions of what i wrote. And draft thoughts only. Cheesy perhaps, but starting points none the less)

There is NOTHING in the way of support for Partners and Family of FTM in Sydney. The Gender Centre caters for the Transgendered, and when i called to ask them if they could help me, they said they wait until enough partners call and then organise something. So, I will start something! "be the change you want to see in the world" and all that.

Ideas
- Monthly meeting for Partners & Family/Friends (PFF) to chat and support.
  - can have guest counselors, share stories, compile resources, social etc

- Every two months joint social with the FTM support group people etc. FUN STUFF!
  - bbq, picnics, dinners, family days, trivia night, pub crawl, drag king shows
  - beach - places for people to be comfortable to show off their bodies or to hide their bodies,  whatever stage they are at

- Intermittently BONDING STUFF (& Fun Stuff)
  - camps, retreats, overnighters etc

- Fundraising events two to three times a year to establish a kitty to help with those who are having financial difficulty with their transitions, esp. in relation to seeing the psychiatrist

- Facebook Page (how is there NOTHING on there!!!)

- Blog - like Lauras Place but better

- Not marketing, COMMUNITY!!!

Right now, it is hard for me to want to do any of the above because I dont really fit as Partner anymore (though i am still hoping). But I am not giving up on it, because I am still family, still a friend and there is still a need.

Maybe doing this will help me to heal a little from the pain this journey has brought me??

I hate it when my posts disappear!! I have tried to recreat it, but it is sloppy attest and doesn't quite say what I was able to put in words earlier...

I don't know why it is that within two months of an FTM either beginning T or about to, they break up with their partner because their partner is crazy. Sure, the number of people i spoke to and read about are not all that high, it could hardly be a statistical fact, but the fact it was All Of Them!!

Is it that there is a tendency on behalf of FTM pre awareness to hook up with crazy people?
Is it that pre existing issues become too much to handle because it takes the focus off their own journey that has to b centre stage?
Is it, as my friend a little further along in the transition process explained, suddenly everything about the partner becomes an irritant. Their affection becomes "possession", their support becomes "condescending", their love is "smothering" their questions are "nagging" and their chatter "harrassment". I have been told by a few guys that they looked back later and saw what was happening. That their partner hadn't changed, they had. But that takes the person actually being self aware.
Is it the stress of it all?

I think it is intersting. In my case, I think it is acombination. We had been under a HUGE amount of stress from even before and then during his awareness and then decision to transition. I don't know what is me, what is him, what is us and what is transition. They are all bound together and affect one another deeply.

Most of the guys who broke up with their partners regretted it. Only a few did anything about it. It seems that transmen dont like to look or go back, even if they have dropped something precious. They just see it as a learning experience.

I hope that is not the case for us although things are bleak. I will keep working on me and keep supporting him and loving him as best I can. Which right now means distance. I hate it. I don't want it. I am confused by it.

But I will still hope.

We have been staying at Js parents for the last few weeks while they have been away. Today they are back.

J hasn't told them about himself yet. He is too scared too. And I understand why. It has taken ten
years for them to be where they are at with our relationship as it is now. We are closest we have ever been with them.

And it may now all change.

I am currently sitting in a room listening to J and 'her' mum laugh and swap catch up stories. I haven't heard that very often. It is heart warming. And has a tinge of sadness.

Sigh. It's not fair that it affects everyone else.

This should just be about what is best for him.

His voice

I miss singing with him. He has such a beautiful voice that just carries me away. I miss singing with him, harmonizing with him, listening to him, watching him.

I miss his fingers strumming the guitar, or pounding heavily on the piano keys cause he just doesn't know how to be gentle.

This is not about the transition, although time constraints do play a part. But on T his voice will change, get deeper.

I hope for his sake that he will be able to keep singing. Even if it just takes a bit of work and training. I hope for my sake he will be able to sing with me.

I am looking forward to his new voice. To the music it may inspire.

Right now though, I miss singing with him.