So i havent written for a while. I have had a great deal on and have had very little opportunity.
I have also had so many internal conflicts about everything.
There seems to have been a shift.
- For a great deal of time now J has been accusing me of saying or doing things I have not done. And punishing me for things I have had no part of. I have no recourse, as he will not hear my protests of innocence. I dont know if this is breakup or transition. Probably both from what i know of Ja and what i know of each of those things. The last couple of days has seen to be more of a willingness on his part to actually see what is happening. Whilst he rarely admits it out loud, even to me or himself let alone anyone else, it does appear that he is not seeing me as the enemy as much anymore. It is aptly put in the sentence he wrote me "I am open to you, not to us". He has not, until recently, been open to me.
- i am more able to take a step back and separate his actions and decisions from us. I am able to let go of the effect more easily. Not always. As i have previously said, words are not his greatest thing, and he doesnt always understand the effect his words have. And doesnt actually really care about it either. Thats not a transition thing, thats a J thing. But there are lots of times, where instead of confronting him or sharing with him, i keep it to myself or write it down.
- the last few days, have (had) been really good with us. Dealing with combined issues reminds me (and him hopefully) of the awesome team that we are
- I have found a few people who are Partners of FTM. One person was actually with someone, they broke up (due to the person cheating though, not because of anything else) and is now really happy with someone else. Having other people I can semi relate to, though we havent had huge discussion yet, is such a relief!
- he has acknowledged on his blog that I have been supportive. Hooray!! Positive affirmation!! That all of the things he now talks about wanting to do with his life are not because I held him back previously (as it can sometimes sound like he is saying). I actively encouraged and supported his existence. Every part of it. i am the one who encouraged him to explore every part and aspect of himself. I am the one who was ALWAYS trying to get him to further adventure. My only stipulation EVER was that no sex with anyone else, unless i was there. And that was NEVER his bag
- He is beginning to see that he HAS been affected by things. By the stress and drama of our existence before hand. This is a plus because it means i am not having to shoulder the responsibility for it all. And it means that he is becoming more aware of how he is affected. he is not entirely aware yet, but he will be
The effect of this transition on me is deep. It undermines my view of myself. When he talks about how he is into guys right now, it contradicts the things he said to me when we were together.
When he says that he might want to be an in open relationship if he ever has one, it contradicts the things he said to me.
I know that he throws himself completely into things. It is something I love about him deeply. But he doesnt have open eyes. Its what one of his sisters was saying she was worried about. He thinks he does. But he is blinkered and one eyed. From what i know, he cant help that right now. His eyes are opening but they are not open yet. They can only see what he is focussed on. Himself and his journey.
He has approached the medical and physical side of this with extreme wisdom (except i think that he should have had counselling sessions regarding the other stuff in his life first - but that is the counselors lack, not his). This is also a J way. And i am deeply impressed with this.
i still think that he is brave. And he is amazing. I think that his ability to be dealing with this on the back of everything else, while still parenting, and living with his parents who are unaware so he cant be fully out, is incredible.
I think that he is making decisions that he will regret. But we all do that. I think that he is
exploring unknown territory and needs the space to do it.
He is wanting me to not be affected by all of this. To just silently agree to it all. To be the best friend. To be informed but not discuss with. Thats not how it works. But he needs space to discover who he is.
And i need to find out who i am. These last two years have been incredibly intense, incredibly tough incredibly draining. I honestly dont know how i am still standing!!
In all of this, i have lost my nana (who was my favourite person!!), my church, my faith, my God, my home, my friends, and now my love. He too lost all of this plus his job he loved PLUS he is transitioning.
(I am still stunned that less than a year after we married, my wife is now my possibly gay husband!!!)
And yet, i love him still. I see HIM. And it is good. He is confused and exploring right now, but it is GOOD. He is good.
This is why, although i have been told by many people i should, i have not walked away
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
And just as things are starting to come to light and the truth regarding assumptions is coming to light, I will be found true.
I still believe that when all is said and done. He will find me waiting. After he has found himself, he will have found himself come full circle. Stronger and more himself than ever before.
And i will be found loving.
