One of the effects on me of this transition is that I lost my family.
He is the sort of person who, when he wants to try something, is really proud and needs to do it himself. Kind of reminiscent of a toddler "i do it".
So, amongst everything else, I lost him. I went from a full time family, to 3/4 of a family half of the time as we share time with the kids.
And i am having a LOT of trouble with this. Not putting them to bed every night rips at my heart. I make sure to see them everday day, even if its just for 20 minutes, and i make sure to talk to them everyday, even if its just for five minutes, but when i walk away there is a pain so great that sometimes i cant breathe. I actually dont know how my feet are physically carrying me.
His choices...to transition...to do it all himself...to cut me out...to cut everyone out...are fine for him. But they have caused me pain i cant express.
And i dont know how to deal with it.
Its not okay with me that i dont get to spend time with my children. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their meals and their night times. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their mornings or when my son comes home from school. Its not okay with me that i dont come home to my house and family. It is not okay with me.
But like with everything else in this journey, i have no say. I chose to be supportive. Thats the only choice i got to make.
His self empowerment has taken from me and my children. His self empowerment has disempowered me. Has taken away my choices. Has taken away my family. Has taken away some of my joy.
But as long as his journey is being honoured, thats what matters right?
No.
But i dont know how to take back control.
I have given it to him for so long that when i try and take it back it unleashes something in him and in me. When i stand and fight for me, he stands ever more resolute. And he is better at it. More practised at it. More determined and more stubborn.
I want my family back. But he took it away from me.
And it is NOT okay with me
