So...how does this affect me? - FEELINGS VERSION
I feel rejected.
As Js sexuality changes or is under review, it means that i am no longer the love of his life. It means that i am no longer safe in his arms. It is no longer my body and intimacy he seeks. He has thrown open the doors and all are welcome. Except me. As he has let me go, i have found myself alone.
And i feel rejected. And i feel betrayed.
I no longer trust the word love except when i am feeling it. Even then i am questioning it. As i am more and more accepting (that is not the correct word here) of this, it becomes more and more apparent that i am not loved in return.
I feel stupid. Because i believed in the love that i was in. That i was receiving. That he meant what he said when he said it. Because my love was enough to carry us through his. But his was not. I feel ridiculed and belittled. Because when i speak of my love, he thinks i am crazy.
I feel alone. And lonely.
I went to Gender Queer Collective meeting the other day. Amazing amazing people. And i didnt fit. I hardly look non-heteronormative. I am a bit of a dag. And i am female. Female bodied and female brained. I am me.
They are these cool trans people. And as i walked into the room i could sense the discomfort that i create. I dont fit into their world.
I feel ostracised because i do not have gender dysphoria. Not on purpose, but because they look at me and assume i wont get it. They look at me and assume I dont get it.
I just want to love. Those who are hurting. Those who need loving.
And I have realised that with J, i gave all my love to him, because i thought he would do the loving TO me that i would need. I believe that you have to love yourself. And i do love me. But i actioned it outward. Because i believed that Jay would action his love towards me. He did. I believed he would KEEP doing it. And when he withdrew it, all of my love and all of his love was going towards him.
I feel alone. So so alone.
I do not trust the words i love you anymore. I used to believe in forever love.
I feel inadequate. I am not worth loving. Not worth fighting for. Not worth sticking around for.
These feelings are pretty new to me. Some i have felt before, but not for a VERY long time, and never all at once, and never for an extended period of time, and never something i havent been able to shake off. They have been situational emotions and feelings. Created by an incident. A small bruising.
I am wounded.
And this is taking so long to heal that i actually dont know if it ever will. I actually dont know how i can keep going with this. It is burdensome and aching deeper than i have ever felt.
It has changed everything.
And he doesnt get it. So, i feel like i dont matter. The one whose world i was has no need for me or my love or my thoughts or my opinions. No need for them and no desire for them. If i am not building him up, if i am not trans, then i am no longer of importance.
This is how i feel.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Rewind. Start again. Apology included
It has come to my attention that my blog is less than a disclosure of the effect of things on me and more of a commentary on J.
You know what? It's true. And that is actually not okay.
I know that some things I have written have upset him, just as some things he has written have upset me. And some of those things are due to it being the other persons perspective, or omitted information etc. The nature of human relationships Im afraid.
So to start, I am going to offer J an apology right now, here on my blog, publicly, for the fact that this has become a commentary on him. J, it is not okay and I am sorry.
So I guess to begin the new direction i should acknowledge the fact that this journey has effected my ability to see how I am affected. I am so focused on him that I have trouble seeing me. Wow...
I am so afraid to let go of him that I have made his journey my journey. Just as he is so focussed on him he can't see anything, so I am so focussed on him I can't see anything.
Everything is so entangled I don't know where or how to start.
And he and I have such differing views on what is caused by what.
He separates what should be linked and I link what should be separate. But as communication isn't his strong suit, it's hard to find middle ground.
This blog is about to get scary for me.
Js blog is about the physical. The outer changes. The sometimes psychological changes, but rarely.
Mine is about the psychological and emotional effect on someone else. It is personal. Harder to make jokes or to distance one self.
It was supposed to be a supplement to his journey, how we did it together. It can't be. And now I am finding a new niche for it. And a new place for me to fit.
Because of his journey,I don't know where I fit anymore. I always used to fit with him.
Clarification
In my last post i wrote that it will hurt him for him to hear of the changes. That people think he wont be able to hear them. I want to clarify something here...
It will hurt him because he can not yet see the changes, and doesnt want them to be there. It will hurt him because he is trying so hard to do this without causing discomfort. He is trying really hard to do this without causing pain for others. He is trying SO DAMN HARD.
Unfortunately, it does cause discomfort and it does cause pain and it does cause changes.
He is not ready because he just cant see anything outside of his own perspective right now. Not because he is a bad person, but as part of this journey, he cant. He just cant.
And the truth is, i still dont know how many of these changes are due to transition and how many due to stress and trauma. But they are linked now. Blended into one.
HE IS NOT A BAD PERSON. But like all people, he only has one persepective. Just as i only have mine.
Perhaps mine is also a little skewed because i am so close to it all. But this is how it affects me.
It will hurt him because he can not yet see the changes, and doesnt want them to be there. It will hurt him because he is trying so hard to do this without causing discomfort. He is trying really hard to do this without causing pain for others. He is trying SO DAMN HARD.
Unfortunately, it does cause discomfort and it does cause pain and it does cause changes.
He is not ready because he just cant see anything outside of his own perspective right now. Not because he is a bad person, but as part of this journey, he cant. He just cant.
And the truth is, i still dont know how many of these changes are due to transition and how many due to stress and trauma. But they are linked now. Blended into one.
HE IS NOT A BAD PERSON. But like all people, he only has one persepective. Just as i only have mine.
Perhaps mine is also a little skewed because i am so close to it all. But this is how it affects me.
no change
For some bizarre reason, he thinks that he hasnt changed? He is exactly the same, just with physical changes...
I wish that all of the people who keep telling me how he has changed would pass that message on to him. I understand why they dont though. Some people have said the timing isnt right yet and he wont hear anyway. Some have said they dont want me to cop the flack.
I dont care about copping the flack anymore.
But i do care that hearing it will hurt him...and i dont want THAT to happen.
He can tell himself all he likes that he is the same person, but that person has gone. There are glimpses of that person. Beautiful glimpses.But they fleetingly leave when the new J takes hold.
Hopefully its just adjustment to this process.
Otherwise he is fooling himself big time, and i KNOW that that is not something he would be comfortable with. Well, the old person wouldnt anyway.
I wish that all of the people who keep telling me how he has changed would pass that message on to him. I understand why they dont though. Some people have said the timing isnt right yet and he wont hear anyway. Some have said they dont want me to cop the flack.
I dont care about copping the flack anymore.
But i do care that hearing it will hurt him...and i dont want THAT to happen.
He can tell himself all he likes that he is the same person, but that person has gone. There are glimpses of that person. Beautiful glimpses.But they fleetingly leave when the new J takes hold.
Hopefully its just adjustment to this process.
Otherwise he is fooling himself big time, and i KNOW that that is not something he would be comfortable with. Well, the old person wouldnt anyway.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Loss
One of the effects on me of this transition is that I lost my family.
He is the sort of person who, when he wants to try something, is really proud and needs to do it himself. Kind of reminiscent of a toddler "i do it".
So, amongst everything else, I lost him. I went from a full time family, to 3/4 of a family half of the time as we share time with the kids.
And i am having a LOT of trouble with this. Not putting them to bed every night rips at my heart. I make sure to see them everday day, even if its just for 20 minutes, and i make sure to talk to them everyday, even if its just for five minutes, but when i walk away there is a pain so great that sometimes i cant breathe. I actually dont know how my feet are physically carrying me.
His choices...to transition...to do it all himself...to cut me out...to cut everyone out...are fine for him. But they have caused me pain i cant express.
And i dont know how to deal with it.
Its not okay with me that i dont get to spend time with my children. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their meals and their night times. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their mornings or when my son comes home from school. Its not okay with me that i dont come home to my house and family. It is not okay with me.
But like with everything else in this journey, i have no say. I chose to be supportive. Thats the only choice i got to make.
His self empowerment has taken from me and my children. His self empowerment has disempowered me. Has taken away my choices. Has taken away my family. Has taken away some of my joy.
But as long as his journey is being honoured, thats what matters right?
No.
But i dont know how to take back control.
I have given it to him for so long that when i try and take it back it unleashes something in him and in me. When i stand and fight for me, he stands ever more resolute. And he is better at it. More practised at it. More determined and more stubborn.
I want my family back. But he took it away from me.
And it is NOT okay with me
He is the sort of person who, when he wants to try something, is really proud and needs to do it himself. Kind of reminiscent of a toddler "i do it".
So, amongst everything else, I lost him. I went from a full time family, to 3/4 of a family half of the time as we share time with the kids.
And i am having a LOT of trouble with this. Not putting them to bed every night rips at my heart. I make sure to see them everday day, even if its just for 20 minutes, and i make sure to talk to them everyday, even if its just for five minutes, but when i walk away there is a pain so great that sometimes i cant breathe. I actually dont know how my feet are physically carrying me.
His choices...to transition...to do it all himself...to cut me out...to cut everyone out...are fine for him. But they have caused me pain i cant express.
And i dont know how to deal with it.
Its not okay with me that i dont get to spend time with my children. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their meals and their night times. Its not okay with me that i am not there for their mornings or when my son comes home from school. Its not okay with me that i dont come home to my house and family. It is not okay with me.
But like with everything else in this journey, i have no say. I chose to be supportive. Thats the only choice i got to make.
His self empowerment has taken from me and my children. His self empowerment has disempowered me. Has taken away my choices. Has taken away my family. Has taken away some of my joy.
But as long as his journey is being honoured, thats what matters right?
No.
But i dont know how to take back control.
I have given it to him for so long that when i try and take it back it unleashes something in him and in me. When i stand and fight for me, he stands ever more resolute. And he is better at it. More practised at it. More determined and more stubborn.
I want my family back. But he took it away from me.
And it is NOT okay with me
i wonder..
he was always so much more than gender or sexuality. so much more than just any one thing. he was friend and lover and artist and social worker, musician and parent and strong. he was wanna be traveller, wanna be tattooist, wanna be...so so so many things.
he has the residue of some of those things on his skin but it is only viewed through the lens of gender.
he is NOT his gender. he used to be more.
everything he does and thinks and says is related to this. he is transcentric. all part of the journey. i know this. i understand this.
but does it ever change?
will his gender now be THE most important thing til the end of his days here on earth? will he be self-defined by gender before or on top of everything else that comprises his being? or is this now all that will ever matter?
he used to be more.
i hope that his journey is gentle. and that one day, he will remember that he IS more.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Me Stuff
My blog is supposed to be about the effect of the transition of J, my now ex, on me as a partner.
There have been so many things entangled in this process that it has been nigh impossible to know what is what.
And I realized last night that I keep talking about the effect of this on HIM. And I think it's about time I evaluate, separate from him if that is possible, the effect on me. And find something positive in this for me.
What has it affected?
* my gender? Nope. Still a gal. I am not particularly "Ladylike" or "femme" but neither am I a tomboy. I am a gal.
* my sexuality? Nope. If I have to have a label it would be pansexual. That means the persons gender or sex isn't actually even a factor. I am not straight neither am I a lesbian.
* my thinking? In that my eyes have been opened to a world I hadn't really entered before, yes. I have the same outlook on people, the circle has just been widened as more people are introduced to it.
* my feeling? I have experienced so much internal growth this year, painful soul searching times, that I don't know whether this in itself has affected how I feel. Except that Js coming out made me love him more.
I also made a final decision to not let how others may respond, effect me negatively.
* my wanting? Pre this, I would never have considered being with a Trans guy. Still don't think that MTF are on my personal radar. But excepting drag kings (oh my Lord they are hot!!) I had
not considered FTM.
Its not that I want FTM now, just that my wanting for the person I was with has not changed, though that in itself may indicate that my 'wanting' has changed
The effect of this transition on me personally (separate from the heartache) is that I am less inclined to have the thought and opinions of others hold away with me. I am more prepared to be who I am. I am less inclined to let people treat me badly because they can't deal with their own journey with gentleness. Though this was happening anyway because of my own personal experiences of this year.
I have tried to make his journey mine, because I didn't want to get left behind. I did anyway. The lesson here I guess is that this is also my journey. But my journey is different. I had been waiting for things to effect him, and then responded or reacted to that. That is not healthy.
I am a person of importance in this too.
If you are a partner of someone who is transitioning, or a support or loved one, you are important too. Their journey is self indulgent. But YOU don't have to be indulgent.
Finding the balance between what you will let slide or forgive and what you will stand firm for or against is rarely easy anyway. In this case the difficulty lies in that you have very little warning of what may happen in the next few hours let alone days or weeks or months. And no way to know how they will be effected or the flow on from that to you.
Be kind to yourself. They may not be able to be kind to or for you.
And let yourself be on this journey. Your OWN journey.
You are worth it. I bloody well know I am!
There have been so many things entangled in this process that it has been nigh impossible to know what is what.
And I realized last night that I keep talking about the effect of this on HIM. And I think it's about time I evaluate, separate from him if that is possible, the effect on me. And find something positive in this for me.
What has it affected?
* my gender? Nope. Still a gal. I am not particularly "Ladylike" or "femme" but neither am I a tomboy. I am a gal.
* my sexuality? Nope. If I have to have a label it would be pansexual. That means the persons gender or sex isn't actually even a factor. I am not straight neither am I a lesbian.
* my thinking? In that my eyes have been opened to a world I hadn't really entered before, yes. I have the same outlook on people, the circle has just been widened as more people are introduced to it.
* my feeling? I have experienced so much internal growth this year, painful soul searching times, that I don't know whether this in itself has affected how I feel. Except that Js coming out made me love him more.
I also made a final decision to not let how others may respond, effect me negatively.
* my wanting? Pre this, I would never have considered being with a Trans guy. Still don't think that MTF are on my personal radar. But excepting drag kings (oh my Lord they are hot!!) I had
not considered FTM.
Its not that I want FTM now, just that my wanting for the person I was with has not changed, though that in itself may indicate that my 'wanting' has changed
The effect of this transition on me personally (separate from the heartache) is that I am less inclined to have the thought and opinions of others hold away with me. I am more prepared to be who I am. I am less inclined to let people treat me badly because they can't deal with their own journey with gentleness. Though this was happening anyway because of my own personal experiences of this year.
I have tried to make his journey mine, because I didn't want to get left behind. I did anyway. The lesson here I guess is that this is also my journey. But my journey is different. I had been waiting for things to effect him, and then responded or reacted to that. That is not healthy.
I am a person of importance in this too.
If you are a partner of someone who is transitioning, or a support or loved one, you are important too. Their journey is self indulgent. But YOU don't have to be indulgent.
Finding the balance between what you will let slide or forgive and what you will stand firm for or against is rarely easy anyway. In this case the difficulty lies in that you have very little warning of what may happen in the next few hours let alone days or weeks or months. And no way to know how they will be effected or the flow on from that to you.
Be kind to yourself. They may not be able to be kind to or for you.
And let yourself be on this journey. Your OWN journey.
You are worth it. I bloody well know I am!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
confusion
I must sound crazy...but responses etc in my previous blogs but:
- I love him. That i can not and will not deny
- I am proud of his courage
- I am hurting because our relationship is done and it doesnt make sense to me
- The WAY he is dealing with the transition in many ways is NOT okay. this does not mean everything is being dealt with poorly.
- The effect of it on ME is what I am exploring here. And a lot of that depends on what is happening at the time.
- I am hopeful of our relationship returning
- I love him. That i can not and will not deny
- I am proud of his courage
- I am hurting because our relationship is done and it doesnt make sense to me
- The WAY he is dealing with the transition in many ways is NOT okay. this does not mean everything is being dealt with poorly.
- The effect of it on ME is what I am exploring here. And a lot of that depends on what is happening at the time.
- I am hopeful of our relationship returning
Thank you
To my family who have been incredibly supportive
To my friends who have been loving
To my children who have been my rock
To God, for making true the statement that "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me". Though i dont fully trust You yet, thank you for the ways you are making yourself known
to my boss for being incredibly understanding
To myself for being stronger than i thought, and for being honest in my attempts to deal with this
To J for the past, and for the moments in the present that are undeniable. For sharing your journey with me even now
To new acquaintances who are bolstering me just by sharing their story
To my friends who have been loving
To my children who have been my rock
To God, for making true the statement that "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me". Though i dont fully trust You yet, thank you for the ways you are making yourself known
to my boss for being incredibly understanding
To myself for being stronger than i thought, and for being honest in my attempts to deal with this
To J for the past, and for the moments in the present that are undeniable. For sharing your journey with me even now
To new acquaintances who are bolstering me just by sharing their story
The Children
I have amazing children. WE have amazing children.
My daughter has been making little comments regarding J, asking at the dinner table with Js parents when he is getting his boobs cut off. Telling her grandmother that Mamou (J) is growing a beard. Telling someone off for calling J a girl.
But she is confused. Mostly she is okay. Then she comes out with statements like "Mamou isnt my mum anymore" And when i say no, Mamou is your dad, she says angrily "No. I have no dad. I have two mums, but mamou isnt my mum anymore". She has had nightmares about drs cutting off her body parts and pulling out her bones, in response to knowing that Js boobs will be cut off. She has dreams about J dying. And she is sad we are not together.
My son is trying to overcompensate. He is a sensitive soul. A beautiful gentle amazing incredible soul. And he is aching. And he is angry. And he is confused. He has been okay with the transition. I think he is happy that there is another guy around the place. But when he heard about the boob removal he FREAKED OUT!!! And he is sad we are not together.
My son has been seeing a counselor. And will continue to do so.
We have great friends who have said he can talk at any time. And i love that. But he is not, never has been, a talker or sharer. You have to push him and push him til he snaps to find out what is going on. I was like that as a kid. So i get it.
They are hurting and confused, not just because of the break up but because of the effect of his actions on them. Because he can not see past the end of his "nose" right now, he can not see the effect of his actions and words (or lack of them).
But I do believe that things are changing. And i know that they will be SO proud as they grow that their Mamou is so brave, and loves THEM enough to be true to himself. We have always encouraged our children to be true to them. We allow them their differences. to each other and to us.
They will be proud. And they will grow up stronger because of not only the example of courage, but the love they are surrounded with. In the interim, I shield them as much as possible from the negative effects. The effect on them NEVER dismissed, but gently and lovingly heard and acknowledged.
How do you keep a broken heart from the most perceptinve creatures you could come across? You dont. But you show them how to love THROUGH it.
Our children are the lights of our lives.
I love our family.
My daughter has been making little comments regarding J, asking at the dinner table with Js parents when he is getting his boobs cut off. Telling her grandmother that Mamou (J) is growing a beard. Telling someone off for calling J a girl.
But she is confused. Mostly she is okay. Then she comes out with statements like "Mamou isnt my mum anymore" And when i say no, Mamou is your dad, she says angrily "No. I have no dad. I have two mums, but mamou isnt my mum anymore". She has had nightmares about drs cutting off her body parts and pulling out her bones, in response to knowing that Js boobs will be cut off. She has dreams about J dying. And she is sad we are not together.
My son is trying to overcompensate. He is a sensitive soul. A beautiful gentle amazing incredible soul. And he is aching. And he is angry. And he is confused. He has been okay with the transition. I think he is happy that there is another guy around the place. But when he heard about the boob removal he FREAKED OUT!!! And he is sad we are not together.
My son has been seeing a counselor. And will continue to do so.
We have great friends who have said he can talk at any time. And i love that. But he is not, never has been, a talker or sharer. You have to push him and push him til he snaps to find out what is going on. I was like that as a kid. So i get it.
They are hurting and confused, not just because of the break up but because of the effect of his actions on them. Because he can not see past the end of his "nose" right now, he can not see the effect of his actions and words (or lack of them).
But I do believe that things are changing. And i know that they will be SO proud as they grow that their Mamou is so brave, and loves THEM enough to be true to himself. We have always encouraged our children to be true to them. We allow them their differences. to each other and to us.
They will be proud. And they will grow up stronger because of not only the example of courage, but the love they are surrounded with. In the interim, I shield them as much as possible from the negative effects. The effect on them NEVER dismissed, but gently and lovingly heard and acknowledged.
How do you keep a broken heart from the most perceptinve creatures you could come across? You dont. But you show them how to love THROUGH it.
Our children are the lights of our lives.
I love our family.
Baby steps
So i havent written for a while. I have had a great deal on and have had very little opportunity.
I have also had so many internal conflicts about everything.
There seems to have been a shift.
- For a great deal of time now J has been accusing me of saying or doing things I have not done. And punishing me for things I have had no part of. I have no recourse, as he will not hear my protests of innocence. I dont know if this is breakup or transition. Probably both from what i know of Ja and what i know of each of those things. The last couple of days has seen to be more of a willingness on his part to actually see what is happening. Whilst he rarely admits it out loud, even to me or himself let alone anyone else, it does appear that he is not seeing me as the enemy as much anymore. It is aptly put in the sentence he wrote me "I am open to you, not to us". He has not, until recently, been open to me.
- i am more able to take a step back and separate his actions and decisions from us. I am able to let go of the effect more easily. Not always. As i have previously said, words are not his greatest thing, and he doesnt always understand the effect his words have. And doesnt actually really care about it either. Thats not a transition thing, thats a J thing. But there are lots of times, where instead of confronting him or sharing with him, i keep it to myself or write it down.
- the last few days, have (had) been really good with us. Dealing with combined issues reminds me (and him hopefully) of the awesome team that we are
- I have found a few people who are Partners of FTM. One person was actually with someone, they broke up (due to the person cheating though, not because of anything else) and is now really happy with someone else. Having other people I can semi relate to, though we havent had huge discussion yet, is such a relief!
- he has acknowledged on his blog that I have been supportive. Hooray!! Positive affirmation!! That all of the things he now talks about wanting to do with his life are not because I held him back previously (as it can sometimes sound like he is saying). I actively encouraged and supported his existence. Every part of it. i am the one who encouraged him to explore every part and aspect of himself. I am the one who was ALWAYS trying to get him to further adventure. My only stipulation EVER was that no sex with anyone else, unless i was there. And that was NEVER his bag
- He is beginning to see that he HAS been affected by things. By the stress and drama of our existence before hand. This is a plus because it means i am not having to shoulder the responsibility for it all. And it means that he is becoming more aware of how he is affected. he is not entirely aware yet, but he will be
The effect of this transition on me is deep. It undermines my view of myself. When he talks about how he is into guys right now, it contradicts the things he said to me when we were together.
When he says that he might want to be an in open relationship if he ever has one, it contradicts the things he said to me.
I know that he throws himself completely into things. It is something I love about him deeply. But he doesnt have open eyes. Its what one of his sisters was saying she was worried about. He thinks he does. But he is blinkered and one eyed. From what i know, he cant help that right now. His eyes are opening but they are not open yet. They can only see what he is focussed on. Himself and his journey.
He has approached the medical and physical side of this with extreme wisdom (except i think that he should have had counselling sessions regarding the other stuff in his life first - but that is the counselors lack, not his). This is also a J way. And i am deeply impressed with this.
i still think that he is brave. And he is amazing. I think that his ability to be dealing with this on the back of everything else, while still parenting, and living with his parents who are unaware so he cant be fully out, is incredible.
I think that he is making decisions that he will regret. But we all do that. I think that he is
exploring unknown territory and needs the space to do it.
He is wanting me to not be affected by all of this. To just silently agree to it all. To be the best friend. To be informed but not discuss with. Thats not how it works. But he needs space to discover who he is.
And i need to find out who i am. These last two years have been incredibly intense, incredibly tough incredibly draining. I honestly dont know how i am still standing!!
In all of this, i have lost my nana (who was my favourite person!!), my church, my faith, my God, my home, my friends, and now my love. He too lost all of this plus his job he loved PLUS he is transitioning.
(I am still stunned that less than a year after we married, my wife is now my possibly gay husband!!!)
And yet, i love him still. I see HIM. And it is good. He is confused and exploring right now, but it is GOOD. He is good.
This is why, although i have been told by many people i should, i have not walked away
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
And just as things are starting to come to light and the truth regarding assumptions is coming to light, I will be found true.
I still believe that when all is said and done. He will find me waiting. After he has found himself, he will have found himself come full circle. Stronger and more himself than ever before.
And i will be found loving.
I have also had so many internal conflicts about everything.
There seems to have been a shift.
- For a great deal of time now J has been accusing me of saying or doing things I have not done. And punishing me for things I have had no part of. I have no recourse, as he will not hear my protests of innocence. I dont know if this is breakup or transition. Probably both from what i know of Ja and what i know of each of those things. The last couple of days has seen to be more of a willingness on his part to actually see what is happening. Whilst he rarely admits it out loud, even to me or himself let alone anyone else, it does appear that he is not seeing me as the enemy as much anymore. It is aptly put in the sentence he wrote me "I am open to you, not to us". He has not, until recently, been open to me.
- i am more able to take a step back and separate his actions and decisions from us. I am able to let go of the effect more easily. Not always. As i have previously said, words are not his greatest thing, and he doesnt always understand the effect his words have. And doesnt actually really care about it either. Thats not a transition thing, thats a J thing. But there are lots of times, where instead of confronting him or sharing with him, i keep it to myself or write it down.
- the last few days, have (had) been really good with us. Dealing with combined issues reminds me (and him hopefully) of the awesome team that we are
- I have found a few people who are Partners of FTM. One person was actually with someone, they broke up (due to the person cheating though, not because of anything else) and is now really happy with someone else. Having other people I can semi relate to, though we havent had huge discussion yet, is such a relief!
- he has acknowledged on his blog that I have been supportive. Hooray!! Positive affirmation!! That all of the things he now talks about wanting to do with his life are not because I held him back previously (as it can sometimes sound like he is saying). I actively encouraged and supported his existence. Every part of it. i am the one who encouraged him to explore every part and aspect of himself. I am the one who was ALWAYS trying to get him to further adventure. My only stipulation EVER was that no sex with anyone else, unless i was there. And that was NEVER his bag
- He is beginning to see that he HAS been affected by things. By the stress and drama of our existence before hand. This is a plus because it means i am not having to shoulder the responsibility for it all. And it means that he is becoming more aware of how he is affected. he is not entirely aware yet, but he will be
The effect of this transition on me is deep. It undermines my view of myself. When he talks about how he is into guys right now, it contradicts the things he said to me when we were together.
When he says that he might want to be an in open relationship if he ever has one, it contradicts the things he said to me.
I know that he throws himself completely into things. It is something I love about him deeply. But he doesnt have open eyes. Its what one of his sisters was saying she was worried about. He thinks he does. But he is blinkered and one eyed. From what i know, he cant help that right now. His eyes are opening but they are not open yet. They can only see what he is focussed on. Himself and his journey.
He has approached the medical and physical side of this with extreme wisdom (except i think that he should have had counselling sessions regarding the other stuff in his life first - but that is the counselors lack, not his). This is also a J way. And i am deeply impressed with this.
i still think that he is brave. And he is amazing. I think that his ability to be dealing with this on the back of everything else, while still parenting, and living with his parents who are unaware so he cant be fully out, is incredible.
I think that he is making decisions that he will regret. But we all do that. I think that he is
exploring unknown territory and needs the space to do it.
He is wanting me to not be affected by all of this. To just silently agree to it all. To be the best friend. To be informed but not discuss with. Thats not how it works. But he needs space to discover who he is.
And i need to find out who i am. These last two years have been incredibly intense, incredibly tough incredibly draining. I honestly dont know how i am still standing!!
In all of this, i have lost my nana (who was my favourite person!!), my church, my faith, my God, my home, my friends, and now my love. He too lost all of this plus his job he loved PLUS he is transitioning.
(I am still stunned that less than a year after we married, my wife is now my possibly gay husband!!!)
And yet, i love him still. I see HIM. And it is good. He is confused and exploring right now, but it is GOOD. He is good.
This is why, although i have been told by many people i should, i have not walked away
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
And just as things are starting to come to light and the truth regarding assumptions is coming to light, I will be found true.
I still believe that when all is said and done. He will find me waiting. After he has found himself, he will have found himself come full circle. Stronger and more himself than ever before.
And i will be found loving.
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