So...how does this affect me? - FEELINGS VERSION
I feel rejected.
As Js sexuality changes or is under review, it means that i am no longer the love of his life. It means that i am no longer safe in his arms. It is no longer my body and intimacy he seeks. He has thrown open the doors and all are welcome. Except me. As he has let me go, i have found myself alone.
And i feel rejected. And i feel betrayed.
I no longer trust the word love except when i am feeling it. Even then i am questioning it. As i am more and more accepting (that is not the correct word here) of this, it becomes more and more apparent that i am not loved in return.
I feel stupid. Because i believed in the love that i was in. That i was receiving. That he meant what he said when he said it. Because my love was enough to carry us through his. But his was not. I feel ridiculed and belittled. Because when i speak of my love, he thinks i am crazy.
I feel alone. And lonely.
I went to Gender Queer Collective meeting the other day. Amazing amazing people. And i didnt fit. I hardly look non-heteronormative. I am a bit of a dag. And i am female. Female bodied and female brained. I am me.
They are these cool trans people. And as i walked into the room i could sense the discomfort that i create. I dont fit into their world.
I feel ostracised because i do not have gender dysphoria. Not on purpose, but because they look at me and assume i wont get it. They look at me and assume I dont get it.
I just want to love. Those who are hurting. Those who need loving.
And I have realised that with J, i gave all my love to him, because i thought he would do the loving TO me that i would need. I believe that you have to love yourself. And i do love me. But i actioned it outward. Because i believed that Jay would action his love towards me. He did. I believed he would KEEP doing it. And when he withdrew it, all of my love and all of his love was going towards him.
I feel alone. So so alone.
I do not trust the words i love you anymore. I used to believe in forever love.
I feel inadequate. I am not worth loving. Not worth fighting for. Not worth sticking around for.
These feelings are pretty new to me. Some i have felt before, but not for a VERY long time, and never all at once, and never for an extended period of time, and never something i havent been able to shake off. They have been situational emotions and feelings. Created by an incident. A small bruising.
I am wounded.
And this is taking so long to heal that i actually dont know if it ever will. I actually dont know how i can keep going with this. It is burdensome and aching deeper than i have ever felt.
It has changed everything.
And he doesnt get it. So, i feel like i dont matter. The one whose world i was has no need for me or my love or my thoughts or my opinions. No need for them and no desire for them. If i am not building him up, if i am not trans, then i am no longer of importance.
This is how i feel.
