Revelation

So this week was the three month mark of J being on testosterone.

So many changes. Not all of them physical.

An amazing thing however is that I have also become more aware of the possibility  of the cause of the angst and stress. I have said before that separating what was what has made this journey oh so much more difficult. And now, with a name to this thing, there is for me such a relief. SUCH a relief!!

It hasnt changed anything between us, and I am still hoping re that, but it has changed my ability to discern what is happening, and to approach the situation differently. You know what, actually there HAVE been changes between us. As my approach has changed, so have his responses.

This is still hard on me. I still miss my family. I still miss him.

I have also noticed that about a week after testosterone, he gets aggressive. Which makes EVERY interaction with him volatile. But just with me. Apparently with others he is okay? or so he assures me,

I am also not convinced that the increase in testosterone is lasting as long as the old dosage. The last lot of 100mL wore off about three weeks in, instead of a month. He is now on 125mL per fortnight and i think it is being used up quicker. He has been a bit... off? the last two weeks (or ther abouts). I cant put my finger on what it is, and he always has a response when i mention it...today it was his sugar levels, last week it was that he is tired.  But there is something else...i just dont know what it is yet. The day after i told him that something was going on (which he ofcourse denied to me) he blogged that he was feeling a bit sensitive. Curious.

It sucks for me that i notice these things before he does, but may as well not exist. Either i am ignored, argued with or a disinterested '"m'eh" then within a few days, he is announcing "his" revelation to the world. I think its because he wants and NEEDS this to be his journey. As i was told is the case early on in this whole thing. But its hard for me to so deliberately excluded from the very blog he started for me.

I noticed his facial hair...chest hair...snail trail...leg hair...feet hair...shoulder/arm/leg/hands/feet changes...voice change...moods...face change...

Another thing that has changed for me in the last few months as an effect of this is my relationship with his family. I have gone from being family to having strained relationships with those who dont know about Js coming out...and because i cant say anything, he is free to say and imply anything he wants about me. Which he is making very good use of. It has in the past made me feel powerless and voiceless and not in control of my situation.

However, since my letting go and stepping back (though not stepping away), i am better able to take control of ME. And since this revelation last week, i am more empowered.


It must be sort of how J has felt through his life. Knowing something isnt right, but not sure what...but now there is a name for it, there is freedom. Almost a "how did i not see this before? all the signs were there, but i didnt know how to interpret them"


I am more free to love now than ever. And i am going to keep doing that. It has changed shape. Is stronger more effectual and is not hurt as easily by Js inability to express himself the way i would like him to or have needed him to.


As i grow stronger, so does my love. As i grow more aware of myself and my needs, so does the WAY i need to love. As my willingness to grow increases, so does my knowledge of WHY i need to love this way.


Of all the revelations re J that i have had,  this one is the biggest and the most lifechanging for ME.


I know it sounds a little cryptic, but thats how it has to be right now. That part isnt my story to tell, not on this page anyway.


I am grateful for this revelation. Empowered. Strengthened. And grateful







 

I miss him today.

It is one month to Christmas.

Last night we were talking about and making plans for Christmas. Together in the morning for the kids, then he takes them with his family, and i take them for mine.

His first Christmas out. His first Christmas on T. His first Christmas more him. His first Christmas without me by his side.

This makes me sad.

I love family. And family things. And BOY do i love Christmas!!!

This year, I will be without him and his family. I will be without my children for a portion of the day. And its not okay with me.

I have to, for my childrens sake, make this as great as possible. I dont want to fake this, but the thought of being genuinely excited about it is hard to fathom right now also.

I miss him and our pre-Christmas stuff.

Family

Communication.

Sigh.

I was thinking about it today. Why do J and I have so much trouble? Despite the love that exists, it is still harder than it should be because of communication!!

I don't understand the way his family communicates. It is SO very foreign to me.

My family are the kind to sit down and hash it all out. We don't have to agree, but it's important that we all have a chance to say our piece and hear the ohers point of view. It's not to convince the other that one is right. It's because there is less room for misunderstanding when we are able to speak our truth. Issues are cleared up quickly. There are vast differences in some things we think and believe, but we know that under it all is love that is unconditional.
I have never, for one second in my entire life, doubted my parents love for me. Ever.
But wow have we argued.
It is important for my family that we get off our chest what is hurting or frustrating us etc. It gets it out, misunderstandings are cleared up, or we agree to disagree and we move on.

We always know honestly what the others think, we are not offended by their disagreeing with us, and we honestly enjoy each other. If someone thinks I am wrong, it us not the end of the conversation, let alone a breach in the relationship.

You are allowed to think I have made a wrong choice or are wrong in my thinking without it traumatizing or angering me. I am willing to hear that I may be wrong. That my decision may have inadvertently hurt you. That my intended message didn't get across.

Now please understand I am not saying my family's way is better... it has flaws. I am not saying Js family's way is worse. We could learn something from them (in Fact this week I have). I am just saying that it is foreign to me. Just as mine must be foreign to J

Failing to communicate is not failure as a person. But it really makes things harder!

I don't know how to communicate in a relationship where someone just DOESN'T talk. I don't understand the dynamics of it all. The withdrawal and silence. The retreat to internally sort it all out when something comes up.

J and I tried on our own. He tried to talk and I tried to listen. But we couldn't always connect because when it was important, we reverted to our inbuilt systems.

We should have gone and got professional guidance. We tried!! But we just couldn't recognize that we needed assistance. It may also have been that we didn't want to look like the relationship we had to fight for so long, needed help. Stupid in hindsight.

So much pain is caused by miscommunication.

And this situation makes it a billion times amplified!!! With such massive changes, he retreats more and I try to pull him out more. I want to talk he doesn't want to hear.

For anyone who is in my position, please do all you can BEFORE it starts, to get the skills necessary.

Identify the areas of communication that need strengthening and do it NOW!!

I am currently doing this. Have been for several months now. It's a slow process. But it is working.

It may, for a while, be a one way street. It may be you alone that does this. But it is worth it.

If he chooses to not do it, or in my case, he may choose to not come back to me, but at least for your own sake, you will have grown as a person.

Our love was never the issue. Getting across our needs and wants was harder. especially when hurt.

It's not too late though. It's never too late to grow and learn and forgive each other for falling short. It's not too late to say "I know you tried, and I really did try" and still know that more work is needed. And it's okay to accept that I don't have all the answers, and someone else may be able to help.

I believe, it is never too late. Do you hear that!!?

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!

No words...

His blog today... he is becoming aware.

And for me... the effect of this...is to fill me with excitement for him...for love and pride that he has moved to the next phase...and honestly, hope for me.

His journey is not about me. But it has effected me. Some good, some bad.

I dont know what to say...

another milestone...

Each tradition that you create together as a couple, is so painful to experience alone.

We have had a tradition for the last 8 years or so, that when a Harry Potter movie comes out, we go together, in Gold Class to watch it the day it comes out. This year, it didnt look like it was going to happen.

This morning, at 1201am, I took my son and J and we watched it in Gold Class.  As it was only a week ago that his ticket was added to ours, we couldnt sit together. And this time of our usual pre-movie routine was absent.

And i sat in this movie theatre, and i was loving the movie. But the experience was tarnished. All of the memories of previous years experiences came flooding back. And the fact that he was in the room, but separate from us, did not escape me. I had a great time. But it wasnt THE time.

Like everything for the past several months. Things with him are same same, but different. Even the good, exciting, stuff.

And, despite the odds, I was reminded of my love for him. And fell in love with him a little more again.

And after the movie i dropped him and my son back to J's parents (its my sons time with him), and I drove away. No after movie debriefing...his tiredness the focus of conversation. Although we had experienced this tradition together, i was experiencing it alone (with the exception of my glorious son).

I have lived through another milestone. And I am same same, but different.

I talk too much...

...that is all

Here came the bride

I have just come back from an incredibly beautiful wedding. My cousin and his lovely bride were married on the beach in a ceremony that was just moving. And the reception that followed was extraordinarily personal. But sheesh it was hard. It was the first wedding I had been to since my relationship break up. And the first I had been to since my own. They played a song we had on our invitations (our invites were a CD of "our" songs) and their vows similar (though that's hardly a surprise)

The pain I felt standing there was just... breathtaking. I had stood where Adam stood today, with love in my eyes, and in Js eyes. And I believed the words and I believed we would be until we died. J used to try to make me swear he would go first because there was no way he could live without me.

I thought we were going to make it.

But our wedding was the catalyst for his realization that he was transgender. When I think of the happiest most hope filled day of my life it has been tarnished with the present. It is tarnished with the fact that day was to bring about the demise of my most precious thing.

My heart hurts.

When we got the invite to this wedding I was so looking forward to arriving arm in arm with J. He would be able to come as 'himself' because Adam wouldn't care. And we could publicly at a family function, be together. I wanted to dance with my husband and look gorgeous with my husband and be in love there with my husband.

But I was there alone. With our vows echoing in my head and my love imploding in my chest and my reality clanging in my ears.

J would have LOVED this wedding, the food, the location, the feel... everything. And I knew that with every moment. And felt it with every moment.

I meant every word of my vows. I don't understand why, if he meant his, he could do what he is doing right now.

Yet there is a part of me that understands. It's why I had to let go.

The silver lining is that I have faced and overcome wedding number 1 is done. I have survived it, hurting though I am. Doubting though I am

Here came the bride... Then she went and became the groom and tossed my dreams and my present and the importance and beauty and sanctity and treasure of my 'day'

I am glad that Adam won't have to experience. I wish that I didn't have to either.