I have just come back from an incredibly beautiful wedding. My cousin and his lovely bride were married on the beach in a ceremony that was just moving. And the reception that followed was extraordinarily personal. But sheesh it was hard. It was the first wedding I had been to since my relationship break up. And the first I had been to since my own. They played a song we had on our invitations (our invites were a CD of "our" songs) and their vows similar (though that's hardly a surprise)
The pain I felt standing there was just... breathtaking. I had stood where Adam stood today, with love in my eyes, and in Js eyes. And I believed the words and I believed we would be until we died. J used to try to make me swear he would go first because there was no way he could live without me.
I thought we were going to make it.
But our wedding was the catalyst for his realization that he was transgender. When I think of the happiest most hope filled day of my life it has been tarnished with the present. It is tarnished with the fact that day was to bring about the demise of my most precious thing.
My heart hurts.
When we got the invite to this wedding I was so looking forward to arriving arm in arm with J. He would be able to come as 'himself' because Adam wouldn't care. And we could publicly at a family function, be together. I wanted to dance with my husband and look gorgeous with my husband and be in love there with my husband.
But I was there alone. With our vows echoing in my head and my love imploding in my chest and my reality clanging in my ears.
J would have LOVED this wedding, the food, the location, the feel... everything. And I knew that with every moment. And felt it with every moment.
I meant every word of my vows. I don't understand why, if he meant his, he could do what he is doing right now.
Yet there is a part of me that understands. It's why I had to let go.
The silver lining is that I have faced and overcome wedding number 1 is done. I have survived it, hurting though I am. Doubting though I am
Here came the bride... Then she went and became the groom and tossed my dreams and my present and the importance and beauty and sanctity and treasure of my 'day'
I am glad that Adam won't have to experience. I wish that I didn't have to either.
