Communication.
Sigh.
I was thinking about it today. Why do J and I have so much trouble? Despite the love that exists, it is still harder than it should be because of communication!!
I don't understand the way his family communicates. It is SO very foreign to me.
My family are the kind to sit down and hash it all out. We don't have to agree, but it's important that we all have a chance to say our piece and hear the ohers point of view. It's not to convince the other that one is right. It's because there is less room for misunderstanding when we are able to speak our truth. Issues are cleared up quickly. There are vast differences in some things we think and believe, but we know that under it all is love that is unconditional.
I have never, for one second in my entire life, doubted my parents love for me. Ever.
But wow have we argued.
It is important for my family that we get off our chest what is hurting or frustrating us etc. It gets it out, misunderstandings are cleared up, or we agree to disagree and we move on.
We always know honestly what the others think, we are not offended by their disagreeing with us, and we honestly enjoy each other. If someone thinks I am wrong, it us not the end of the conversation, let alone a breach in the relationship.
You are allowed to think I have made a wrong choice or are wrong in my thinking without it traumatizing or angering me. I am willing to hear that I may be wrong. That my decision may have inadvertently hurt you. That my intended message didn't get across.
Now please understand I am not saying my family's way is better... it has flaws. I am not saying Js family's way is worse. We could learn something from them (in Fact this week I have). I am just saying that it is foreign to me. Just as mine must be foreign to J
Failing to communicate is not failure as a person. But it really makes things harder!
I don't know how to communicate in a relationship where someone just DOESN'T talk. I don't understand the dynamics of it all. The withdrawal and silence. The retreat to internally sort it all out when something comes up.
J and I tried on our own. He tried to talk and I tried to listen. But we couldn't always connect because when it was important, we reverted to our inbuilt systems.
We should have gone and got professional guidance. We tried!! But we just couldn't recognize that we needed assistance. It may also have been that we didn't want to look like the relationship we had to fight for so long, needed help. Stupid in hindsight.
So much pain is caused by miscommunication.
And this situation makes it a billion times amplified!!! With such massive changes, he retreats more and I try to pull him out more. I want to talk he doesn't want to hear.
For anyone who is in my position, please do all you can BEFORE it starts, to get the skills necessary.
Identify the areas of communication that need strengthening and do it NOW!!
I am currently doing this. Have been for several months now. It's a slow process. But it is working.
It may, for a while, be a one way street. It may be you alone that does this. But it is worth it.
If he chooses to not do it, or in my case, he may choose to not come back to me, but at least for your own sake, you will have grown as a person.
Our love was never the issue. Getting across our needs and wants was harder. especially when hurt.
It's not too late though. It's never too late to grow and learn and forgive each other for falling short. It's not too late to say "I know you tried, and I really did try" and still know that more work is needed. And it's okay to accept that I don't have all the answers, and someone else may be able to help.
I believe, it is never too late. Do you hear that!!?
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!
