So, I have let go.
The hardest decision of my life.
I had come to the realisation, at an increasing pace, that my efforts were in vain. Well, thats a bit dramatic really. When i say efforts i mean support. And when i say in vain, that really depends on what i am measuring it against. In its purest most basest form, this is what it means:
- i was hoping that by my continuing to support and love through it all, as things started to normalise, things would get better with us.
And things were generally getting better with us. We havent really had a a fight for a while (excluding these last couple of days). I have been needed. And i have been there.
We had to finally remove our stuff from the home we had shared as a family for the last couple of years. And that was hard. (Especially for me as i was the one who did all of the packing and the organising and the moving). But it brought US closer throught the shared sadness.
He injured himself and my daughter was sick, so at his request i came and stayed. And took care of them. It was family time
We had to go to court about a matter. And that brought us closer
Unfortunately, when i was no longer needed, the wall went back up again, and "family" time ended.
- i was hoping that time would show that a lot of the things going on are an entanglement
He has acknowledged that decisions he had made regarding us were based on being reactive to other peoples actions, and he took them out on me. He had assumed my involvment. But now knows it not to be the case.
He has acknowledged that I have been falsely accused of things etc etc.
He has started to slowly acknowledge that a whole lot of crap has been going on in life that can and do have effect.
Awesome. Its a start
- i was hoping that our love would win out
It seemed to me to be happening. Things that were said and done pointed to it.
Perhaps it was wishfulthinking? Perhaps he just knew what i wanted to hear. perhaps it was hormonal?
- I was hoping that even though he CANT take things in right now, even though he CANT focus on more than what he is tunnel visioning on (though he really does try), that i would be the exception.
That was naive of me. He is not able to see the support. But i was wanting him to. I was expecting more of him than he is able to give right now.
A friend said to me the other day that it is like a teenage boy. Their mum still does everything for them. Anything that needs doing, mum is all over it. They cant drive, their washing, food etc is all prepared for them...in public, they are fun and loving, the life of the party, but at home...whooska! Attitude central. Mum gets no thanks or acknowledgement. Mum gets the "You dont understand" or the rolled eyes. The whole "mum is such a cow/bitch...she never lets me do anything...is always on my case..." etc etc Mates will never know just how much Mum does. And it takes years before the acknowledgement is made. They cant actually see all of the time and effort mum puts into making life as easy and nurturing and positive as possible.
I have been mum. The silent support in the background. Emotionally, financially, physically, physchologically...in every way. But publicly I dont exist. There may be an anonymous mention rarely. Or I am still the main target of venting.
But to rely on mum is to be a "wuss". A "pussy". A "weakling". Not a "man".
I can not be mum anymore.
I was willing to be because i was hoping that it would lead to not being so maligned. That i would show with patience and love (and sometimes arguments - yeah, that was ALWAYS a bad idea!!! he neither has the desire or ability to take in words, especially cause i use so many!!!)That with time and perseverence on my part, truth would win out. And acknowledgment would come.
And acknowledgement came. To me alone.
No public clearing of my name. In the forums where i was falsely accused, i have not been vindicated. To the people who heard of the things i had done, now it is known not to be true, my name is not cleared. The decisions are not being unmade, though they were not based on fact.
Yet privately...
I am a secret. A dirty little secret.
And that, I will not be.
And so, with a very sad heart. I have let go. And i have backed away. I dont want to. I still want to be the support.
But I have had to make a choice for me. All of my thoughts and choices have been for him. And it doesnt help either him or me.
Selfishly i am afraid that without me he will fall. He wont. He is strong. And capable and amazing. But he is not any of those things towards me.
Just because the teenager doesnt see or appreciate the support doesnt mean he doesnt need it. But there comes a time when a teenager says "I dont need you" or "i hate you" or "you dont get it" enough that you have to let them grow. You have to let them face the consequences of their own decisions.
J doesnt need a "mum" in me. He doesnt want it. He is determined to do this on his own, and that is all well and proper and fair. Now though, he will HAVE to do it on his own. And that means something different than he has previously been experiencing.
This is so very very sad. Letting him go means that i have had to realise and acknowledge to myself that...well, so many things.
I dont know what this is going to look like. Every small step, or every moment keeping standing my ground hurts my heart. NOT giving to him is anti everything I am. This is trial and error my friends.
I will keep loving. But how i do that has to change. I am not writing him off. I am not going to make his life difficult. But i have let go. For the sake of my own self. And for the sake of my children.
