I miss him today.
It is one month to Christmas.
Last night we were talking about and making plans for Christmas. Together in the morning for the kids, then he takes them with his family, and i take them for mine.
His first Christmas out. His first Christmas on T. His first Christmas more him. His first Christmas without me by his side.
This makes me sad.
I love family. And family things. And BOY do i love Christmas!!!
This year, I will be without him and his family. I will be without my children for a portion of the day. And its not okay with me.
I have to, for my childrens sake, make this as great as possible. I dont want to fake this, but the thought of being genuinely excited about it is hard to fathom right now also.
I miss him and our pre-Christmas stuff.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Family
Communication.
Sigh.
I was thinking about it today. Why do J and I have so much trouble? Despite the love that exists, it is still harder than it should be because of communication!!
I don't understand the way his family communicates. It is SO very foreign to me.
My family are the kind to sit down and hash it all out. We don't have to agree, but it's important that we all have a chance to say our piece and hear the ohers point of view. It's not to convince the other that one is right. It's because there is less room for misunderstanding when we are able to speak our truth. Issues are cleared up quickly. There are vast differences in some things we think and believe, but we know that under it all is love that is unconditional.
I have never, for one second in my entire life, doubted my parents love for me. Ever.
But wow have we argued.
It is important for my family that we get off our chest what is hurting or frustrating us etc. It gets it out, misunderstandings are cleared up, or we agree to disagree and we move on.
We always know honestly what the others think, we are not offended by their disagreeing with us, and we honestly enjoy each other. If someone thinks I am wrong, it us not the end of the conversation, let alone a breach in the relationship.
You are allowed to think I have made a wrong choice or are wrong in my thinking without it traumatizing or angering me. I am willing to hear that I may be wrong. That my decision may have inadvertently hurt you. That my intended message didn't get across.
Now please understand I am not saying my family's way is better... it has flaws. I am not saying Js family's way is worse. We could learn something from them (in Fact this week I have). I am just saying that it is foreign to me. Just as mine must be foreign to J
Failing to communicate is not failure as a person. But it really makes things harder!
I don't know how to communicate in a relationship where someone just DOESN'T talk. I don't understand the dynamics of it all. The withdrawal and silence. The retreat to internally sort it all out when something comes up.
J and I tried on our own. He tried to talk and I tried to listen. But we couldn't always connect because when it was important, we reverted to our inbuilt systems.
We should have gone and got professional guidance. We tried!! But we just couldn't recognize that we needed assistance. It may also have been that we didn't want to look like the relationship we had to fight for so long, needed help. Stupid in hindsight.
So much pain is caused by miscommunication.
And this situation makes it a billion times amplified!!! With such massive changes, he retreats more and I try to pull him out more. I want to talk he doesn't want to hear.
For anyone who is in my position, please do all you can BEFORE it starts, to get the skills necessary.
Identify the areas of communication that need strengthening and do it NOW!!
I am currently doing this. Have been for several months now. It's a slow process. But it is working.
It may, for a while, be a one way street. It may be you alone that does this. But it is worth it.
If he chooses to not do it, or in my case, he may choose to not come back to me, but at least for your own sake, you will have grown as a person.
Our love was never the issue. Getting across our needs and wants was harder. especially when hurt.
It's not too late though. It's never too late to grow and learn and forgive each other for falling short. It's not too late to say "I know you tried, and I really did try" and still know that more work is needed. And it's okay to accept that I don't have all the answers, and someone else may be able to help.
I believe, it is never too late. Do you hear that!!?
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!
Sigh.
I was thinking about it today. Why do J and I have so much trouble? Despite the love that exists, it is still harder than it should be because of communication!!
I don't understand the way his family communicates. It is SO very foreign to me.
My family are the kind to sit down and hash it all out. We don't have to agree, but it's important that we all have a chance to say our piece and hear the ohers point of view. It's not to convince the other that one is right. It's because there is less room for misunderstanding when we are able to speak our truth. Issues are cleared up quickly. There are vast differences in some things we think and believe, but we know that under it all is love that is unconditional.
I have never, for one second in my entire life, doubted my parents love for me. Ever.
But wow have we argued.
It is important for my family that we get off our chest what is hurting or frustrating us etc. It gets it out, misunderstandings are cleared up, or we agree to disagree and we move on.
We always know honestly what the others think, we are not offended by their disagreeing with us, and we honestly enjoy each other. If someone thinks I am wrong, it us not the end of the conversation, let alone a breach in the relationship.
You are allowed to think I have made a wrong choice or are wrong in my thinking without it traumatizing or angering me. I am willing to hear that I may be wrong. That my decision may have inadvertently hurt you. That my intended message didn't get across.
Now please understand I am not saying my family's way is better... it has flaws. I am not saying Js family's way is worse. We could learn something from them (in Fact this week I have). I am just saying that it is foreign to me. Just as mine must be foreign to J
Failing to communicate is not failure as a person. But it really makes things harder!
I don't know how to communicate in a relationship where someone just DOESN'T talk. I don't understand the dynamics of it all. The withdrawal and silence. The retreat to internally sort it all out when something comes up.
J and I tried on our own. He tried to talk and I tried to listen. But we couldn't always connect because when it was important, we reverted to our inbuilt systems.
We should have gone and got professional guidance. We tried!! But we just couldn't recognize that we needed assistance. It may also have been that we didn't want to look like the relationship we had to fight for so long, needed help. Stupid in hindsight.
So much pain is caused by miscommunication.
And this situation makes it a billion times amplified!!! With such massive changes, he retreats more and I try to pull him out more. I want to talk he doesn't want to hear.
For anyone who is in my position, please do all you can BEFORE it starts, to get the skills necessary.
Identify the areas of communication that need strengthening and do it NOW!!
I am currently doing this. Have been for several months now. It's a slow process. But it is working.
It may, for a while, be a one way street. It may be you alone that does this. But it is worth it.
If he chooses to not do it, or in my case, he may choose to not come back to me, but at least for your own sake, you will have grown as a person.
Our love was never the issue. Getting across our needs and wants was harder. especially when hurt.
It's not too late though. It's never too late to grow and learn and forgive each other for falling short. It's not too late to say "I know you tried, and I really did try" and still know that more work is needed. And it's okay to accept that I don't have all the answers, and someone else may be able to help.
I believe, it is never too late. Do you hear that!!?
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!
No words...
His blog today... he is becoming aware.
And for me... the effect of this...is to fill me with excitement for him...for love and pride that he has moved to the next phase...and honestly, hope for me.
His journey is not about me. But it has effected me. Some good, some bad.
I dont know what to say...
And for me... the effect of this...is to fill me with excitement for him...for love and pride that he has moved to the next phase...and honestly, hope for me.
His journey is not about me. But it has effected me. Some good, some bad.
I dont know what to say...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
another milestone...
Each tradition that you create together as a couple, is so painful to experience alone.
We have had a tradition for the last 8 years or so, that when a Harry Potter movie comes out, we go together, in Gold Class to watch it the day it comes out. This year, it didnt look like it was going to happen.
This morning, at 1201am, I took my son and J and we watched it in Gold Class. As it was only a week ago that his ticket was added to ours, we couldnt sit together. And this time of our usual pre-movie routine was absent.
And i sat in this movie theatre, and i was loving the movie. But the experience was tarnished. All of the memories of previous years experiences came flooding back. And the fact that he was in the room, but separate from us, did not escape me. I had a great time. But it wasnt THE time.
Like everything for the past several months. Things with him are same same, but different. Even the good, exciting, stuff.
And, despite the odds, I was reminded of my love for him. And fell in love with him a little more again.
And after the movie i dropped him and my son back to J's parents (its my sons time with him), and I drove away. No after movie debriefing...his tiredness the focus of conversation. Although we had experienced this tradition together, i was experiencing it alone (with the exception of my glorious son).
I have lived through another milestone. And I am same same, but different.
We have had a tradition for the last 8 years or so, that when a Harry Potter movie comes out, we go together, in Gold Class to watch it the day it comes out. This year, it didnt look like it was going to happen.
This morning, at 1201am, I took my son and J and we watched it in Gold Class. As it was only a week ago that his ticket was added to ours, we couldnt sit together. And this time of our usual pre-movie routine was absent.
And i sat in this movie theatre, and i was loving the movie. But the experience was tarnished. All of the memories of previous years experiences came flooding back. And the fact that he was in the room, but separate from us, did not escape me. I had a great time. But it wasnt THE time.
Like everything for the past several months. Things with him are same same, but different. Even the good, exciting, stuff.
And, despite the odds, I was reminded of my love for him. And fell in love with him a little more again.
And after the movie i dropped him and my son back to J's parents (its my sons time with him), and I drove away. No after movie debriefing...his tiredness the focus of conversation. Although we had experienced this tradition together, i was experiencing it alone (with the exception of my glorious son).
I have lived through another milestone. And I am same same, but different.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Here came the bride
I have just come back from an incredibly beautiful wedding. My cousin and his lovely bride were married on the beach in a ceremony that was just moving. And the reception that followed was extraordinarily personal. But sheesh it was hard. It was the first wedding I had been to since my relationship break up. And the first I had been to since my own. They played a song we had on our invitations (our invites were a CD of "our" songs) and their vows similar (though that's hardly a surprise)
The pain I felt standing there was just... breathtaking. I had stood where Adam stood today, with love in my eyes, and in Js eyes. And I believed the words and I believed we would be until we died. J used to try to make me swear he would go first because there was no way he could live without me.
I thought we were going to make it.
But our wedding was the catalyst for his realization that he was transgender. When I think of the happiest most hope filled day of my life it has been tarnished with the present. It is tarnished with the fact that day was to bring about the demise of my most precious thing.
My heart hurts.
When we got the invite to this wedding I was so looking forward to arriving arm in arm with J. He would be able to come as 'himself' because Adam wouldn't care. And we could publicly at a family function, be together. I wanted to dance with my husband and look gorgeous with my husband and be in love there with my husband.
But I was there alone. With our vows echoing in my head and my love imploding in my chest and my reality clanging in my ears.
J would have LOVED this wedding, the food, the location, the feel... everything. And I knew that with every moment. And felt it with every moment.
I meant every word of my vows. I don't understand why, if he meant his, he could do what he is doing right now.
Yet there is a part of me that understands. It's why I had to let go.
The silver lining is that I have faced and overcome wedding number 1 is done. I have survived it, hurting though I am. Doubting though I am
Here came the bride... Then she went and became the groom and tossed my dreams and my present and the importance and beauty and sanctity and treasure of my 'day'
I am glad that Adam won't have to experience. I wish that I didn't have to either.
The pain I felt standing there was just... breathtaking. I had stood where Adam stood today, with love in my eyes, and in Js eyes. And I believed the words and I believed we would be until we died. J used to try to make me swear he would go first because there was no way he could live without me.
I thought we were going to make it.
But our wedding was the catalyst for his realization that he was transgender. When I think of the happiest most hope filled day of my life it has been tarnished with the present. It is tarnished with the fact that day was to bring about the demise of my most precious thing.
My heart hurts.
When we got the invite to this wedding I was so looking forward to arriving arm in arm with J. He would be able to come as 'himself' because Adam wouldn't care. And we could publicly at a family function, be together. I wanted to dance with my husband and look gorgeous with my husband and be in love there with my husband.
But I was there alone. With our vows echoing in my head and my love imploding in my chest and my reality clanging in my ears.
J would have LOVED this wedding, the food, the location, the feel... everything. And I knew that with every moment. And felt it with every moment.
I meant every word of my vows. I don't understand why, if he meant his, he could do what he is doing right now.
Yet there is a part of me that understands. It's why I had to let go.
The silver lining is that I have faced and overcome wedding number 1 is done. I have survived it, hurting though I am. Doubting though I am
Here came the bride... Then she went and became the groom and tossed my dreams and my present and the importance and beauty and sanctity and treasure of my 'day'
I am glad that Adam won't have to experience. I wish that I didn't have to either.
Friday, November 12, 2010
To J...
I would NEVER out you.
I am frustrated and hurt that you have taken what was said to you and once again twisted it and made it something that it wasnt.
I know that you are concerned about your parents response. I know that you need to be safe when that happens. And i would NEVER do it. If i wanted to, do you not think that i would have?
My telling you that i feel like publicising my blog was, as i said to you over and over, to tell you how i am feeling. It was not a threat. I told you that over and over and over again.
Once again you shut me out. You restrict my voice. You twist my words. You dont see truth.
I am hurt by your public and constant belittling, twisting and negative words and actions towards me whilst you have been oh so happy to accept my help and support in private. I am upset that behind the scenes you say you love me and miss me, yet publicly all is said is i "harrass" you etc.
And sometimes there is a part of me that wants to defend myself to this same world. Sometimes there is a part of me that wants to be free of this cage you have put me in because i cant be free to be me. And sometimes i want you to know how much your actions and words affect me.
But i would NEVER out you. Ever.
And you know this. In your heart, you know this. if you were to stop even for a second, you know this. It is not my character or my nature.
I have stepped back from you, I havent turned against you.
And I wont turn against you. Not ever. And i think you know this. I hope that you know this. There is no reason why you shouldnt know this.
I love you. More than anything in this world I love you. And the pain that this brings is unbearable sometimes.
I understand that you must be nervous right now. I get it. But please stop taking this out on me. Please stop doing this.
I am frustrated and hurt that you have taken what was said to you and once again twisted it and made it something that it wasnt.
I know that you are concerned about your parents response. I know that you need to be safe when that happens. And i would NEVER do it. If i wanted to, do you not think that i would have?
My telling you that i feel like publicising my blog was, as i said to you over and over, to tell you how i am feeling. It was not a threat. I told you that over and over and over again.
Once again you shut me out. You restrict my voice. You twist my words. You dont see truth.
I am hurt by your public and constant belittling, twisting and negative words and actions towards me whilst you have been oh so happy to accept my help and support in private. I am upset that behind the scenes you say you love me and miss me, yet publicly all is said is i "harrass" you etc.
And sometimes there is a part of me that wants to defend myself to this same world. Sometimes there is a part of me that wants to be free of this cage you have put me in because i cant be free to be me. And sometimes i want you to know how much your actions and words affect me.
But i would NEVER out you. Ever.
And you know this. In your heart, you know this. if you were to stop even for a second, you know this. It is not my character or my nature.
I have stepped back from you, I havent turned against you.
And I wont turn against you. Not ever. And i think you know this. I hope that you know this. There is no reason why you shouldnt know this.
I love you. More than anything in this world I love you. And the pain that this brings is unbearable sometimes.
I understand that you must be nervous right now. I get it. But please stop taking this out on me. Please stop doing this.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Lies. Again the lies
So today i received an email from J's parents. Disgusting. the lies that J had told, the accusations, and the attitude of his father...i am still is shock.
I sent J a text message saying:
"After the email i just got I am so tempted to publicise my blog right now and send the link to your family. I am not going to because i really am trying to be and so the right thing here." I also then said that i never would do it but i want him to know that i feel like it because it will provide some sort of balance and truth.
He has written on his blog, taking out of context once again that i have threatened to out him.
Why are the lies necessary?
They are going to catch him up.
But this time i am not there. I am worried for him.
But i have let go.
I sent J a text message saying:
"After the email i just got I am so tempted to publicise my blog right now and send the link to your family. I am not going to because i really am trying to be and so the right thing here." I also then said that i never would do it but i want him to know that i feel like it because it will provide some sort of balance and truth.
He has written on his blog, taking out of context once again that i have threatened to out him.
Why are the lies necessary?
They are going to catch him up.
But this time i am not there. I am worried for him.
But i have let go.
"I dont know whats going on...but thats not J_______"
A friend who doesnt know of the transitioning, who hasnt seen J for a while, said this to me the other day.
And it hurt me.
Normally when it is said to me, i let people say it, (or if they are close to me i will agree). I dont encourage or discourage people to say anything to him. Their own holding back is their own.
But for the first time i asked them to be really really thoughtful about sharing that. In my head i was screaming "please dont tell him that!!!". It was really strange.
I have WANTED others to tell him because it was backup what i was saying and hopefully open his eyes. But i think that this would be too much.
I wonder why i responded so dramatically on the inside? Perhaps because i know how much this person means? Perhaps because we were in the middle of a good stretch and i didnt want to cop the responsibility for someone saying it to him? perhaps because i knew it would open a can of worms and their relationship may change? I dont know why.
But it is interesting indeed.
And it hurt me.
Normally when it is said to me, i let people say it, (or if they are close to me i will agree). I dont encourage or discourage people to say anything to him. Their own holding back is their own.
But for the first time i asked them to be really really thoughtful about sharing that. In my head i was screaming "please dont tell him that!!!". It was really strange.
I have WANTED others to tell him because it was backup what i was saying and hopefully open his eyes. But i think that this would be too much.
I wonder why i responded so dramatically on the inside? Perhaps because i know how much this person means? Perhaps because we were in the middle of a good stretch and i didnt want to cop the responsibility for someone saying it to him? perhaps because i knew it would open a can of worms and their relationship may change? I dont know why.
But it is interesting indeed.
Empty Hands
So, I have let go.
The hardest decision of my life.
I had come to the realisation, at an increasing pace, that my efforts were in vain. Well, thats a bit dramatic really. When i say efforts i mean support. And when i say in vain, that really depends on what i am measuring it against. In its purest most basest form, this is what it means:
- i was hoping that by my continuing to support and love through it all, as things started to normalise, things would get better with us.
And things were generally getting better with us. We havent really had a a fight for a while (excluding these last couple of days). I have been needed. And i have been there.
We had to finally remove our stuff from the home we had shared as a family for the last couple of years. And that was hard. (Especially for me as i was the one who did all of the packing and the organising and the moving). But it brought US closer throught the shared sadness.
He injured himself and my daughter was sick, so at his request i came and stayed. And took care of them. It was family time
We had to go to court about a matter. And that brought us closer
Unfortunately, when i was no longer needed, the wall went back up again, and "family" time ended.
- i was hoping that time would show that a lot of the things going on are an entanglement
He has acknowledged that decisions he had made regarding us were based on being reactive to other peoples actions, and he took them out on me. He had assumed my involvment. But now knows it not to be the case.
He has acknowledged that I have been falsely accused of things etc etc.
He has started to slowly acknowledge that a whole lot of crap has been going on in life that can and do have effect.
Awesome. Its a start
- i was hoping that our love would win out
It seemed to me to be happening. Things that were said and done pointed to it.
Perhaps it was wishfulthinking? Perhaps he just knew what i wanted to hear. perhaps it was hormonal?
- I was hoping that even though he CANT take things in right now, even though he CANT focus on more than what he is tunnel visioning on (though he really does try), that i would be the exception.
That was naive of me. He is not able to see the support. But i was wanting him to. I was expecting more of him than he is able to give right now.
A friend said to me the other day that it is like a teenage boy. Their mum still does everything for them. Anything that needs doing, mum is all over it. They cant drive, their washing, food etc is all prepared for them...in public, they are fun and loving, the life of the party, but at home...whooska! Attitude central. Mum gets no thanks or acknowledgement. Mum gets the "You dont understand" or the rolled eyes. The whole "mum is such a cow/bitch...she never lets me do anything...is always on my case..." etc etc Mates will never know just how much Mum does. And it takes years before the acknowledgement is made. They cant actually see all of the time and effort mum puts into making life as easy and nurturing and positive as possible.
I have been mum. The silent support in the background. Emotionally, financially, physically, physchologically...in every way. But publicly I dont exist. There may be an anonymous mention rarely. Or I am still the main target of venting.
But to rely on mum is to be a "wuss". A "pussy". A "weakling". Not a "man".
I can not be mum anymore.
I was willing to be because i was hoping that it would lead to not being so maligned. That i would show with patience and love (and sometimes arguments - yeah, that was ALWAYS a bad idea!!! he neither has the desire or ability to take in words, especially cause i use so many!!!)That with time and perseverence on my part, truth would win out. And acknowledgment would come.
And acknowledgement came. To me alone.
No public clearing of my name. In the forums where i was falsely accused, i have not been vindicated. To the people who heard of the things i had done, now it is known not to be true, my name is not cleared. The decisions are not being unmade, though they were not based on fact.
Yet privately...
I am a secret. A dirty little secret.
And that, I will not be.
And so, with a very sad heart. I have let go. And i have backed away. I dont want to. I still want to be the support.
But I have had to make a choice for me. All of my thoughts and choices have been for him. And it doesnt help either him or me.
Selfishly i am afraid that without me he will fall. He wont. He is strong. And capable and amazing. But he is not any of those things towards me.
Just because the teenager doesnt see or appreciate the support doesnt mean he doesnt need it. But there comes a time when a teenager says "I dont need you" or "i hate you" or "you dont get it" enough that you have to let them grow. You have to let them face the consequences of their own decisions.
J doesnt need a "mum" in me. He doesnt want it. He is determined to do this on his own, and that is all well and proper and fair. Now though, he will HAVE to do it on his own. And that means something different than he has previously been experiencing.
This is so very very sad. Letting him go means that i have had to realise and acknowledge to myself that...well, so many things.
I dont know what this is going to look like. Every small step, or every moment keeping standing my ground hurts my heart. NOT giving to him is anti everything I am. This is trial and error my friends.
I will keep loving. But how i do that has to change. I am not writing him off. I am not going to make his life difficult. But i have let go. For the sake of my own self. And for the sake of my children.
The hardest decision of my life.
I had come to the realisation, at an increasing pace, that my efforts were in vain. Well, thats a bit dramatic really. When i say efforts i mean support. And when i say in vain, that really depends on what i am measuring it against. In its purest most basest form, this is what it means:
- i was hoping that by my continuing to support and love through it all, as things started to normalise, things would get better with us.
And things were generally getting better with us. We havent really had a a fight for a while (excluding these last couple of days). I have been needed. And i have been there.
We had to finally remove our stuff from the home we had shared as a family for the last couple of years. And that was hard. (Especially for me as i was the one who did all of the packing and the organising and the moving). But it brought US closer throught the shared sadness.
He injured himself and my daughter was sick, so at his request i came and stayed. And took care of them. It was family time
We had to go to court about a matter. And that brought us closer
Unfortunately, when i was no longer needed, the wall went back up again, and "family" time ended.
- i was hoping that time would show that a lot of the things going on are an entanglement
He has acknowledged that decisions he had made regarding us were based on being reactive to other peoples actions, and he took them out on me. He had assumed my involvment. But now knows it not to be the case.
He has acknowledged that I have been falsely accused of things etc etc.
He has started to slowly acknowledge that a whole lot of crap has been going on in life that can and do have effect.
Awesome. Its a start
- i was hoping that our love would win out
It seemed to me to be happening. Things that were said and done pointed to it.
Perhaps it was wishfulthinking? Perhaps he just knew what i wanted to hear. perhaps it was hormonal?
- I was hoping that even though he CANT take things in right now, even though he CANT focus on more than what he is tunnel visioning on (though he really does try), that i would be the exception.
That was naive of me. He is not able to see the support. But i was wanting him to. I was expecting more of him than he is able to give right now.
A friend said to me the other day that it is like a teenage boy. Their mum still does everything for them. Anything that needs doing, mum is all over it. They cant drive, their washing, food etc is all prepared for them...in public, they are fun and loving, the life of the party, but at home...whooska! Attitude central. Mum gets no thanks or acknowledgement. Mum gets the "You dont understand" or the rolled eyes. The whole "mum is such a cow/bitch...she never lets me do anything...is always on my case..." etc etc Mates will never know just how much Mum does. And it takes years before the acknowledgement is made. They cant actually see all of the time and effort mum puts into making life as easy and nurturing and positive as possible.
I have been mum. The silent support in the background. Emotionally, financially, physically, physchologically...in every way. But publicly I dont exist. There may be an anonymous mention rarely. Or I am still the main target of venting.
But to rely on mum is to be a "wuss". A "pussy". A "weakling". Not a "man".
I can not be mum anymore.
I was willing to be because i was hoping that it would lead to not being so maligned. That i would show with patience and love (and sometimes arguments - yeah, that was ALWAYS a bad idea!!! he neither has the desire or ability to take in words, especially cause i use so many!!!)That with time and perseverence on my part, truth would win out. And acknowledgment would come.
And acknowledgement came. To me alone.
No public clearing of my name. In the forums where i was falsely accused, i have not been vindicated. To the people who heard of the things i had done, now it is known not to be true, my name is not cleared. The decisions are not being unmade, though they were not based on fact.
Yet privately...
I am a secret. A dirty little secret.
And that, I will not be.
And so, with a very sad heart. I have let go. And i have backed away. I dont want to. I still want to be the support.
But I have had to make a choice for me. All of my thoughts and choices have been for him. And it doesnt help either him or me.
Selfishly i am afraid that without me he will fall. He wont. He is strong. And capable and amazing. But he is not any of those things towards me.
Just because the teenager doesnt see or appreciate the support doesnt mean he doesnt need it. But there comes a time when a teenager says "I dont need you" or "i hate you" or "you dont get it" enough that you have to let them grow. You have to let them face the consequences of their own decisions.
J doesnt need a "mum" in me. He doesnt want it. He is determined to do this on his own, and that is all well and proper and fair. Now though, he will HAVE to do it on his own. And that means something different than he has previously been experiencing.
This is so very very sad. Letting him go means that i have had to realise and acknowledge to myself that...well, so many things.
I dont know what this is going to look like. Every small step, or every moment keeping standing my ground hurts my heart. NOT giving to him is anti everything I am. This is trial and error my friends.
I will keep loving. But how i do that has to change. I am not writing him off. I am not going to make his life difficult. But i have let go. For the sake of my own self. And for the sake of my children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)