So this week was the three month mark of J being on testosterone.
So many changes. Not all of them physical.
An amazing thing however is that I have also become more aware of the possibility of the cause of the angst and stress. I have said before that separating what was what has made this journey oh so much more difficult. And now, with a name to this thing, there is for me such a relief. SUCH a relief!!
It hasnt changed anything between us, and I am still hoping re that, but it has changed my ability to discern what is happening, and to approach the situation differently. You know what, actually there HAVE been changes between us. As my approach has changed, so have his responses.
This is still hard on me. I still miss my family. I still miss him.
I have also noticed that about a week after testosterone, he gets aggressive. Which makes EVERY interaction with him volatile. But just with me. Apparently with others he is okay? or so he assures me,
I am also not convinced that the increase in testosterone is lasting as long as the old dosage. The last lot of 100mL wore off about three weeks in, instead of a month. He is now on 125mL per fortnight and i think it is being used up quicker. He has been a bit... off? the last two weeks (or ther abouts). I cant put my finger on what it is, and he always has a response when i mention it...today it was his sugar levels, last week it was that he is tired. But there is something else...i just dont know what it is yet. The day after i told him that something was going on (which he ofcourse denied to me) he blogged that he was feeling a bit sensitive. Curious.
It sucks for me that i notice these things before he does, but may as well not exist. Either i am ignored, argued with or a disinterested '"m'eh" then within a few days, he is announcing "his" revelation to the world. I think its because he wants and NEEDS this to be his journey. As i was told is the case early on in this whole thing. But its hard for me to so deliberately excluded from the very blog he started for me.
I noticed his facial hair...chest hair...snail trail...leg hair...feet hair...shoulder/arm/leg/hands/feet changes...voice change...moods...face change...
Another thing that has changed for me in the last few months as an effect of this is my relationship with his family. I have gone from being family to having strained relationships with those who dont know about Js coming out...and because i cant say anything, he is free to say and imply anything he wants about me. Which he is making very good use of. It has in the past made me feel powerless and voiceless and not in control of my situation.
However, since my letting go and stepping back (though not stepping away), i am better able to take control of ME. And since this revelation last week, i am more empowered.
It must be sort of how J has felt through his life. Knowing something isnt right, but not sure what...but now there is a name for it, there is freedom. Almost a "how did i not see this before? all the signs were there, but i didnt know how to interpret them"
I am more free to love now than ever. And i am going to keep doing that. It has changed shape. Is stronger more effectual and is not hurt as easily by Js inability to express himself the way i would like him to or have needed him to.
As i grow stronger, so does my love. As i grow more aware of myself and my needs, so does the WAY i need to love. As my willingness to grow increases, so does my knowledge of WHY i need to love this way.
Of all the revelations re J that i have had, this one is the biggest and the most lifechanging for ME.
I know it sounds a little cryptic, but thats how it has to be right now. That part isnt my story to tell, not on this page anyway.
I am grateful for this revelation. Empowered. Strengthened. And grateful
