My blog is supposed to be about the effect of the transition of J, my now ex, on me as a partner.
There have been so many things entangled in this process that it has been nigh impossible to know what is what.
And I realized last night that I keep talking about the effect of this on HIM. And I think it's about time I evaluate, separate from him if that is possible, the effect on me. And find something positive in this for me.
What has it affected?
* my gender? Nope. Still a gal. I am not particularly "Ladylike" or "femme" but neither am I a tomboy. I am a gal.
* my sexuality? Nope. If I have to have a label it would be pansexual. That means the persons gender or sex isn't actually even a factor. I am not straight neither am I a lesbian.
* my thinking? In that my eyes have been opened to a world I hadn't really entered before, yes. I have the same outlook on people, the circle has just been widened as more people are introduced to it.
* my feeling? I have experienced so much internal growth this year, painful soul searching times, that I don't know whether this in itself has affected how I feel. Except that Js coming out made me love him more.
I also made a final decision to not let how others may respond, effect me negatively.
* my wanting? Pre this, I would never have considered being with a Trans guy. Still don't think that MTF are on my personal radar. But excepting drag kings (oh my Lord they are hot!!) I had
not considered FTM.
Its not that I want FTM now, just that my wanting for the person I was with has not changed, though that in itself may indicate that my 'wanting' has changed
The effect of this transition on me personally (separate from the heartache) is that I am less inclined to have the thought and opinions of others hold away with me. I am more prepared to be who I am. I am less inclined to let people treat me badly because they can't deal with their own journey with gentleness. Though this was happening anyway because of my own personal experiences of this year.
I have tried to make his journey mine, because I didn't want to get left behind. I did anyway. The lesson here I guess is that this is also my journey. But my journey is different. I had been waiting for things to effect him, and then responded or reacted to that. That is not healthy.
I am a person of importance in this too.
If you are a partner of someone who is transitioning, or a support or loved one, you are important too. Their journey is self indulgent. But YOU don't have to be indulgent.
Finding the balance between what you will let slide or forgive and what you will stand firm for or against is rarely easy anyway. In this case the difficulty lies in that you have very little warning of what may happen in the next few hours let alone days or weeks or months. And no way to know how they will be effected or the flow on from that to you.
Be kind to yourself. They may not be able to be kind to or for you.
And let yourself be on this journey. Your OWN journey.
You are worth it. I bloody well know I am!
