I have found some information today, that doesnt confirm the excuses or reasons that people give, but does confirm that staying together is hard. It is not impossible, but it is difficult.
In my case, I wish that J had gone and dealt with everything else before starting transitioning. But he didnt. And so it is all in the mix now.
But, the interesting thing i read today was this:
"There is an important thing to realize once transition begins and hormones are prescribed. Your partner is now a thirteen year old about to go through a second puberty. Teenagers not only go through physical changes but social and mental ones as well. A sense of self is just starting to develop perhaps for the first time in their lives. At this time it is important for them to create their own self-esteem. Those who don't work on this will not get very far. Think back to when you were a teen and you will have an idea what is going on in your partners head. They do have the added advantage of their accumultated life experiences though but as the opposite gender. Compared to tenagers though they will have a very short puberty period lasting up to two years. At the end of this time if they've been successful they will for the first time have a developed sense of self. It is only now that they will know what they really want and their orientation will be safely set. After SAS Sex Affirrnation Surgery they are complete and truely themselves. This is the closest thing to a cure they are going to get.
During this time your feelings are important, not just your partners. You need support too. Things though are not going to be the same. Obviously the relationship is going to change, it has to for physical reasons at the very least. Your partner may tell you they won't change. No one can go through this process and be the same person. They will likley become a better person, not worse. Yet they are not the gender you thought you married.
If you see this as a "Lesbian relationship" and have a problem with this that is very normal. Your partner needs to know that this is not trivial. If this is how you feel your marriage will not likely survive. You are not alone as just a handful will stay married. Most become friendships but not all of them. The biggest fear someone with HBS has is that they will be alone without support. If you can be supportive it would mean the world to them. If you cannot try to part on good tems.
The marriages that do survive are usually older couples not younger ones. The reasons may be economic, convienence familiarity and love. Those who make it do so by looking not at the gender their partner is but the person they are in love with. That is a rare gift. Few people can do this."
Its good to know that this is not just me.
Small comfort really.
