I am having trouble NOT talking to him.
He has been the person that i have spoken to almost every day for the last ten years. He is the one that i share with. He is my "person". My confidante. My friend. My sounding board. And i am the one he shared with.
But he cant share this with me. For so many reasons. And i cant share how this affects me with him, because of where he is at.
And it hurts me. It pains me.
My best friend and my love, is out of reach.
According to all the info and the professionals i have spoken to and the other transguys, apparently right now, for him, he cant share. He cant hear how his journey affects other people because he will not have the capacity to take in the emotion. He just cant right now. Knowing that it affects someone else upsets and aggrevates and frustrates and depresses.
So where do i put it all? I am certainly not going to put it all here, although sometimes it is tempting. So i have been writing it down. Sometimes in letters to him that wont get sent. Sometimes as a journal. Sometimes as a prayer.
It was only the other day that i realised that i CANT go to him with this. No matter how much he says he wants me to share, and no matter how desperately i want to, it just causes pain. And makes him even more angry.
So i dont go to him.
But what do i do with this hurt?
The arms that comforted me are changing. Physically as well as every other way! And they are not available for me right now.
I have hope...but i wonder sometimes whether all of this pain i am going through is worth it. He is worth the wait yes, but at what cost to me?
His journey has affected me more deeply than i thought it would, and more deeply than i want to admit. Not just from his withdrawal from me, or the not saying goodbye, or the moods, or the anger, or the depression he isnt admitting... but i cant share this. I cant tell the world that I love J. I cant, on my FB page, say everyday how i love him, which is what i was able to do before. I cant put a link to this blog. I cant talk about my husband. He isnt fully out, so i am in the closet too.
And i cant tell him any of it.
And i may never get the chance.
So, what to do?
As i take a deep breath right now, I decide. I will keep writing. I will grow and develop new ways of dealing. I will keep channeling my love into my children and into myself and into him. I will keep speaking the counselor. And i will let myself feel this. Though i am afraid of how it will overwhelm me.
I will give myself permission to hurt and to grieve and be angry about this. And i will give myself permission to keep loving.
