Being the partner of a transgendered person during the beginning stages of transition is not easy.
I can't yet comment on how it may turn out, but so far, it has gotten harder and harder.
When J first started reading about stuff online and reading books about being transgendered, I knew what was coming.
My 'discovery' of my own sexual identity as pansexual (meaning a persons gender is actually a non-issue) instead of the lesbian label i had been uncomfortable with seemed to act as a catalyst. This discovery suddenly empowered J to further explore for himself his own identity. And when he wants to know about something, he fully delves into it.
I remember him reading in bed every night. As I would read uni books or my bible or Victorian era erotica, he would be reading Jamison Green's book "Becoming a Visible Man".
I remember turning to him at one point, with nerves in my gut and asking "honey, are you a man?". I had been waiting for him to tell me, to broach the subject with me, and it was doing my head in! His simple and quiet "yes I am" was something I will never forget. The gentle way in which he said it, knowing once it was out it couldn't be taken back. Knowing that he didn't KNOW how I would respond.
I loved him more in that moment.
From the time J knew that this was something he was going to further look into, he had my support. But I wanted him to make sure that he was sure. His hormones were all over the place, we had been through an intense couple of years, and he had the tendency in the past to jump headlong into something with no care of consequence. But this was SO different.
Everything about this has been different.
He created his blog for me because he knows he can't always explain vocally what is happening for him. But I rarely got to read it because the computer was unavailable. He disappeared into an online world of transmen and exploration,unknowingly pushing us aside.
Relationships were being built with strangers in a virtual world because they understood, and the real world was being pushed away. At first I thought this was good for him. Likeminded people, like bodied people.
Before I knew it, I felt as if I had been replaced. Our real relationship had been neglected for pseudo relationships. Our intimacy replaced with public sexual innuendo with strangers.
I was never told that sex would stop. I was never told that relationships of intensity would develop for him. I was never told that I just wouldn't matter anymore.
As far as i was concerned, there was no questioning my decision re staying with him. I loved J. And said vows to him (at the time, her) at our wedding that I would love him the way he needed to be loved. Although I didnt know what that would very quickly entail, I meant it then as i mean it now.
This is a selfish journey. It has to be. J has so many things going on in his head and his body and his heart. And he needs to explore this himself. I just always thought I would be by his side as he did.
Partners are expected to put up with bad behavior, neglect, sometimes abuse, rejection, being the target of whatever mood happens to be going on. We are told over and over that we have to be the strong ones. We have to just understand or put up with whatever decisions they make. These are their decisions alone, no matter how deeply it affects us.
We are expected to stay strong while they re-explore their sexuality, their limits, their friendships. Every day and every moment and every further decision they make, meaning that this could be the day it is all over.
And we werent the ones who changed.
And yet I am strong. And i still will be strong. Because of my love for him and because I believe in him with all of my heart. I know that for him, this is the right move. And i know that because it is the right move for him, it is the right move for me to love him through this.
Today, in this moment, I am still nervous. But i am strong too. Not just because i "have" to be, but because i choose to be.
This was the beginning of my road less travelled. The road less supported. The road less understood. It isnt finished yet. But its an adventure all the same!
