I wrote this the other day, but thought i had lost it. Just found it in drafts.
I thought that when J started to transition and especially when he would start T, that the missing peices would fall into place for him. That the peice that would make him whole would bring the peace that would make him whole. That it would be a completion and extension of himself.
I wasn't expecting a second personality. A second persona.
I thought it would bring us closer not push us further away.
I thought that this journey would be one of celebration. It would be tough, and I didn't want to even guess how tough, but that it would be tough for HIM and I would be able to support. I thought I could help carry him and be the hero in his life, helping him to be all he was supposed to be. I didn't know it would be so tough for me. Or the children.
They have lost their mother but the father isn't here yet. And they didn't get to say goodbye, and they didnt fully understand. I thought we would be able to deal with this together, as a strong parental unit.
I thought that I would have some influence on what my children would be told how they would be told.
I thought that he would be a man of his word and all the clear headed, or so I thought, promises he made me before he started out, he would be able to keep.
I didn't realize that I too had a lot of expectations regarding this process. That i put a lot of pressure on myself and what is expected if me as a good partner. On how I should respond. The fact is, I can't know what situations are coming, what words and emotions are going to be thrown my way. I don't know what moods or decisions J will make today or how that will affect.
My not knowing is not just because we are separated. It started before that. It is because only he knows, and actually, most of the time he doesn't even know himself.
I thought this would make it all better. I was so so wrong.
