As partners of transgendered people things are not quite "usual" for us. But its not just the transitioning. Its the time before hand.
Part of the reason J's coming out was so easy for me, was because it all made sense. Having been together for ten years, i got to see first hand, up close, the effects of his situation on him. I also got to experience the effects ON me. Every doubt and wuestion and confusion he experience, every betrayal of his body or his mind. Every disappointment...I felt it. Because i love him, and because I was right there. Sometimes through transferrence and sometimes through withdrawal.
One thing that is hard for me at the moment is to reconcile to myself the fact that I am not to blame for what is happening with J.
J has Gender Dysphoria. It is a condition.
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADFA_enAU383AU383&defl=en&q=define:Gender+dysphoria&sa=X&ei=EiSgTKzNOMW3cOCd8foJ&ved=0CBcQkAE
J is Transgender. It is NOT a condition.
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADFA_enAU383AU383&q=define%3ATransgender&meta=
His journey is NOT about me (as a partner or friend, how many times have we heard this already??!!!) This is NOT about me.
It has however, affected me. My self esteem. My selfview. My self respect.
It must be really really hard for someone going through what he is going through. I have lived with it and seen it for ten years. I have seen and heard the anguish. I have seen and heard and felt and experienced the effects, physical, emotional, pshychological. And it is hard to not be able to do anything to help them
As they themselves have a feeling of no control, there is a helpless feeling for those that love someone with this condition. I couldnt fix it. No matter what i did. I couldnt make it better. I wasnt enough.
No matter how big my love, i couldnt take it away. We worked hard at working around things. At being sensitive to each other where intimacy was concerned.
He tried to tell me that I am and was enough, but just as his body betrayed him, it also betrayed me.
I feel ripped off that now, at the time where things will align for him, they will not align for me.
But I am glad for him, that after all these years, he may find some consolation and peace. I am glad for him, that he has found the things that has been eating away at him, that he has been trying to define and overcome. I am glad for him that the alignment has begun.
As each day passes and he (hopefully) becomes more and more as he would like to be, I hope that the psychological effects also lessen. On him, and on me.
I cant take T and make it all go away.
I hope that he will be able to look back and appreciate just how very loved he was. That even though HE felt incomplete, he was still loved completely.
I hope that this experience wont keep defining me.
This journey is not about me. But it has affected me deeply.
